A new day

Today was the beginning of my new life. If you new my last life, you may not have seen any differences unless you looked very close at my thoughts. Today I made it a point to write how I felt every time I thought about food. I looked and searched at my thoughts hard. 

I didn’t really realize until today how much energy I spent on thinking about food, obsessing about food and leaning to food. Just being conscious of my thoughts was a big eye opener. When I was in a stressful situation after lunch and I began thinking of the worst outcome, I had this tension in my shoulders and that’s when the food thoughts were running through my head. I needed something to eat so I could go back to being numb again. Instead, i took a deep breath and wrote on a sticky note my fears and my positive self talk. I was surprised at how my mood started to come back up to normal. Another thing I made sure to do….is eat my food slowly and with purpose. Before I didn’t really pay attention to all the flavors or textures of the food I put in my mouth. Instead it was all about just filling myself up with anything until I couldn’t feel any emotion. Today I actually felt full at lunch and a bit exhausted chewing my lunch.

I know today was a good day. A day when I have yet to have a binge episode. But everybody has to start somewhere and just being aware of the effect my emotions has on how much I consume food was a small victory today. I don’t plan to get rid off this excess body weight over night, but one day at a time.

Day one of my new life….we’re I’m no longer addicted to food and I can have a meal because I’m hungry and not just because I’m suffocating my emotions.

G.

Eating my life away 

I have an addiction…..and my addiction is food. For as far as my memory in pre-teen, I used food as a pillow, a hug or a shoulder to lean in on when I had no tools to process my emotions.

I was always taught to be proud and not show any weakness growing up. In our family, if you were too emotional you were a weaklink. I never expected my happy childhood turn into a life altering moment we’re the only comfort or solace I found was in food. 

Tonight…..I was feeling lonely and pretty low about my weight. Instead of coming up with ways to get myself out of the rut, I leaned into white chocolate covered macaroons and a rom-com movie on Netflix. I always picture myself as the leading lady, but then by the end…when I’m back from escape land, I realize that no man would love me today the way I am. It’s not just about my size, but my confidence, the way my smile hides behind these insecure eyes. I can’t love myself like this so how dare I expect anybody to love me like this.

I’m so much more than this body….I know I’m supposed to love myself but I don’t like where I am today. I hide food in my bag until I’m a lone and I can comfort myself without judgement. Then I wake up in the morning sore and achey and disappointed that once again I had no self control. But I’m here, buried under this 283 pound suite, I’m screaming to get out but I can’t get out. I can’t find the zipper or the eject button. I scream everyday when I reach for the crap that’s killing me physically and emotionally. But nobody can hear me or see right through me.

I am addicted to food. I wake up thinking about my next meal, my days off revolve around finding the food I like and enjoying them as much and as often. When I’m lonely I eat, when I’m happy I eat, and when I’m sad or lose hope, I eat until that voice inside me is no longer audible. Food is my drug, my enabler, my worst enemy and my biggest fear. 

When will I realize that I can’t continue to let the scale climb each week. I need to wake up today and fix this……but how?! 

G.

Mindful Monday.

After a day of comforting myself with food, I woke up this morning with a new found motivation. I’m going to do this one day at a time and tackle one problem each day. Today I plan to just be mindful of my negative self talk. When I notice this negative thought strolling in, I will pause and see why it’s there. Often I let these thoughts consume and smother me. I want to be In charge and I’m not giving up. Wish me luck…..I will post again tonight on my progress.

Sunday morning

I’m killing myself with food and I don’t know how to stop. I have gotten help before but it never works out for me. I can’t seem to find the parts I need to click in my brain to wake up from this food coma I’m in. I actually think it’s an obsession with food. The first thing on my mind when I wake up is food and then all day everything else is around food. I don’t know how I got here, the past 7 months have been a lot worse. I’m 286lbs!!!!! A year ago I was 250! And 5 months before that I was 225lbs! I’m miserable! I fantasize about weight loss surgery but that won’t fix me! It’s a mental thing for me. I need to bring these Demond’s of mine to light and only then can I tackle the negative self talk and finally get rid of this weight! I’m now starting to see I don’t really love myself. Would someone who loved themselves consume 4000 calories a day?! Im fat and alone and I can do a fantastic job hiding it all with a smile and everyone is none the wiser. I’m waiting for something……something significant to hit me and shake me out of this daze. I can’t continue to wake up with body aches and feel numb. I’m just going through the motions of life, I don’t know the last time I was actually awake and present for my life. I need help…..I need to wake up…..but it’s so hard!

I don’t want to be…..

  

  • Alone anymore
  • Sad
  • Hopeless
  • Fat
  • Inadequate
  • Passionless
  • Weak
  • Pathetic

Some days I can’t help but be any of these things, but then there are nights like tonight. When I lose myself in a simple prayer of hope. I get consumed by this weightless idea that I can be happy and I can have it all. I just have to fight a little harder and I will be over this hump of misery. This is what helps me get up in the morning and try again. I just know one of these days I will win this fight. It will be my time to shine. I just have to let the sun come through the clouds.

On edge

  Yesterday i just went from bad to worse. Lately I have been dealing with extreme cases of anxiety. The episodes I had yesterday left me in tears and feeling jittery. It was like a snowball effect, everything just added to my anxiety attack. I couldn’t concentrate, I was either on the verge of tears or balling in the bathroom. It didn’t help that I already had a large coffee and was slowly sipping on a large Coke. I immediately threw away my Coke and started to sip water. It just felt like all my worrying yesterday had put me in this box. Like nothing was going to get better and everything would just go downhill like I thought. That’s until I started to read about how to control my anxiety. I tried to stay in the moment but it was hard to get there at first. Then I came across this blog Jenny Lawson wrote about how she was done with letting her mental illness control her life and was going to live ‘Furiously happy’ just to be spite full. It wasn’t until I left work and was listening to her audiobook that I actually started to feel better. Sometimes all I need is a little reminder that all this worrying and what if’s are not helping. I can’t make this changes in life effective immediately and I sure as hell cant loose all this weight right this very second, but I could change my mood and how I approach each day. Today I choose to be furiously happy regardless of anything else. Let’s how today pans out with this view.

G.

I’ve lost my way

  I went to sleep last night wondering how I got here. How I lost my way in life and ended up here. I’m not one to questions God as I have unwavering believe that fate is there for a reason. But I can’t help but wonder why when it rains it pours. 

I’ve let go of myself. I have let go of all the faith and courage and determination I had of myself. Then I woke up and realized, crap the year is almost over and I don’t know how I got here. I had set out goals to reach this year and sadly I have not met any of them. I am no better today then I was on January 1st. Why do I continue to waste my life and let it slip by me?

The only thing I have managed to do this year is gain back the weight I lost last year. I got cocky and confident and stopped caring about what I ate and even though I was feeling the weight on me before I actually saw it on the scale, I still refused to believe it. I have continued to lose friendships and relationships because I let the most unhealthy people in my life and then I realize when the damage is done that perhaps they shouldn’t have gotten a pass in the first place.

I’m unfulfilled in my job. I can do it with my eyes closed and on autopilot. Yet somehow every waking moment I ask myself how I got stuck here. When I was younger I had passion for life and everything in it. Lately I feel like I have been lazy and even though I am happy I take the easy route of ‘don’t fix it if it isn’t broken’. But it is broken. I am broken. I am unhappy on so many ways that I dread Monday as soon as it hits midnight. I try to be thankful and I am. I try to see that others have it far worse but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness inside. It doesn’t stop me for reaching for food to fill this hole that just grows every year. I don’t see a purpose to mylife and that’s sad. 

I have read so many self-help books and motivational ones that I know how to give others advice on how to live a more fulfilling life. But here I sit just feeling like I’m stuck in the mud. I’m so afraid to rock the boat that I know if I just took chances I would get somewhere, but that’s not how I’m wired. I was raised to fear a lot of things and I fee like this holds me back in a lot of ways. I just want to wake up from this lul in life and get my shit together. So I ask again……what is my purpose?

G.