Today is the official beginning of the rest of my life. I know I must have said this a million times, but today feels different. I woke up wanting to go to the gym and I did and I forced myself to feel comfortable and I did. Today I managed to do more workout than I have done for a really long time. You know what else I got rid of today? Social media. I am tired of looking at other beautiful, skinny, in relationship women and feeling miserable. I miss focusing what’s important to me. I miss being a friend, a mother and someone who was spiritually connected. I miss my religion and I miss my family. I have gotten myself in trouble by wishing to be someone else. I want to be Me. I want people to meet the real me and not the filtered version on Snapchat. I want what’s best for me and that is getting out and doing something for myself. I want to be myself and full off my own inner happiness. Today I am shedding all my negative thoughts and those who limit me. I have always thought I was this secure and strong girl. Everybody thought i was so secure, but I did things that I am not proud to share. I dated a married man. I slept with a married man. I cheated and lied to my family and friends. I bought others affection and love. I showed this brave face of being strong and beautiful when in reality my body showed my true self as it got bigger. In order to shed this fat suit I need to shed all the lies and masks I have been wearing. So everyday i will shed a mask and write about it with no filter. I want to stowaway document the real me instead of continuing being fake and phony. I know I don’t know anybody on here, but I’m hoping one day I can share my posts with those who love me and I will begin to heal myself.
Yesterday and the day before i believed my unhappiness was related to my current social economic status. What i didn’t realize is, it was all in my head. Yes I’m a single! Yes I’m financially not where i want to be! Yes I’m overweight and unhappy about it. But this morning i realized the problem and instantly also realized the solution. I am not my circumstances. I am a body of bones, muscles, fat and a billion little cells. This body holds my soul. My soul lived before my body existed and it shall live long after my body is gone. I have been working so hard to please all my organs, all the while making myself unhappy. My soul needs me! It is the one thing that connects me to every human. I need to forgive myself and allow love and light to enter my soul. I am the watcher of my mind! My mind my have an unending storyline running but it’s only their to distract me. My soul is their. It’s wise and oh so forgiving. It’s what my creator uses to communicate with me. My soul is bigger than and cell in my body. If i sit still and listen past the narrative of my mind, i can feel it’s calmness wash over me. I can see the path that it’s trying to lead me. My soul is where i was created. It’s mine and nobody can take it.
I want to sleep. I want to dream about a life that’s fitting of me. I have love in this little human. But I can’t put my happiness on his shoulders. I want to make him proud. To never have him want for anything else. But it’s hard trying to keep it together. It’s hard when your faking it. This smile is fake I want to scream. Can’t you see the pain behind my eyes. But I’m not that sad. I’m just numb. Once you’ve taken away my false sense of happiness, all I can do is see myself for who I am. A sad and lonely girl. Money failed to buy me happiness and friends. It failed to secure a life worth living. I just want to sleep. My limbs are sore and achey and all I want to do is sleep. I keep hearing her inside telling me to get up and do something. She knows I have no energy. No energy other than the one of laying here in my misery. My phone is also my enemy. It shows me the people I want to be like having the times of their lives. Yet I’m here alone and nobody has called or texted me. What use were all those books I read. Think positive they say. Think it and you shall will it to existence. But it’s not working. I’m alone in a world full off people. I’m alone in a home surrounded by family. I’m alone and all I want to do is sleep. Please let me sleep. At least when I sleep I’m at peace.
I was on the highway about 30 minuets ago when all of a sudden a fit of sadness exhumed me. I started to sob uncontrollably. Big fat heaping sobs all while driving at 75mph and unable to catch my breath or see clearly because my vision is blurred. The sounds coming from me are heartbreaking and shaking me to my core. My thoughts are rushing in all at one…..’your alone’ ‘no body cares’ ‘you could just top the pain right now’ ‘just let go’ ‘your nobody’s choice’ ‘your fat’ ‘your weak’ all these unbelievably mean thoughts keep jabbing me and I’m still sobbing, rocking in my seat and driving. I get this tiny thought at some point and I start repeating it because all I can think to do is hold on and let this wash over me. So I start yelling to myself in the car, in the shakiest voice, that I don’t even recognize…..’I WAN TO LIVE, I’M SORRY’. It seems to take a lifetime but I don’t stop repeating those words. In what seems like hours, I start to calm down and breathe. I get off the exit and I’m sitting here thinking how close I came. How I’ve never felt that much sadness and worthlessness all at once. I’m shocked, but more so grateful for that tiny voice.
I’m not sure where to go now…….
I woke up this morning fully able to see myself in a different light. I am still fighting the little voice that tries to make me drag my baggage from last nights fight with my mother. But thank goodness I have been meditating and practicing self forgiveness. I kept being thankful and grateful for every little thing about my day yesterday and that in it's self helps me release.
What I learned recently that has helped me a lot is…….I was created by a being bigger and wiser than the humans who judge me. I wasn't created for shits and giggles or to be unworthy. I was created because I have a purpose. I may not fully know what my purpose is but I know for sure I wasn't created by mistake. So who am I to let anyone else dictate my purpose. I am worthy of this life because I was chosen to have it. I have to choices…..to live through fear or to live through faith that all will work out as it should in my favor.
I can only run in the race that was created for me. Nobody can run in my race as I can't do in theirs.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am love. I am abundance. I am prosperity. I am beautiful. I am kind. I am healthy. I am free. I am wise. I am loved. I am a miracle. I am a creative being.
Once again I got sucked in. I got sucked in letting my master manipulator mother drag me in and spit me out. How am I now only seeing the cause of most of my issues is such a surprise. I cried and all the while I kept thinking to myself 'your letting her win' but it isn't about letting her win. It's about breaking this abusive pattern and hold she has over me.
Is it possible to love your mother yet at the same time not like the person or the characters she displays. In my culture I'm not allowed to think of my mother this way. I'm supposed to say yes and ask how high when she says jump. I'm never to question her reasoning, I am just to follow her blindly into the dark and pray that I survive. I can't and won't live like this. This abuse has gone on for far too long.
I am fat and self medicate with food because I was never allowed to have an opinion in my life. I have turned into an angry explosive person when I allow myself to stand my ground and I hate that she does this to me. I hate that she brings out the worst of me, because even I can't stand myself when I get to that point. I'd have been emotionally and physically used multiple times in my life. I am now at 33 seeing that it's not ok. I am worthy and it's not ok, for even my own mother to use guilt and manipulation as a way to control me. I refuse to let this stand,
I can't believe I thought of suicide at one point when all I ever needed to do was find the root cause of my issues. It starts with her. It always began with her. If I ever had an inclination that she wouldn't blame me for being abused I might have confided in her. But I knew she would see me as an embarrassing daughter who lies to get attention. That might have been my tipping points, but now I see my worth after this crazy fight. I see what I am worth and what she does will never break me again. I see my anger as a child crying for help. I need to care for myself before I can care about her. I need to love myself back to being whole.
I am not my mothers daughter. I am stronger and will see my light behind her shadow. I will come out whole.
When I was younger I always wanted to fit in. I never wanted to be different or stand out in the crowd. I always played it safe and tried my hardest to just blend in. But I was different. I had an opinion about everything. I always wanted to know why and how. But that wasn't allowed in my culture. In my culture, girls were modest and covered their heads. They didn't jump from monkey bars or play football with the boys. Girls didn't eat from big plates or sit with their legs open. In my culture, girls were seen but not heard. But I knew I was different because I wanted nothing more than to be heard. So I did what I learned was best. I ate and ate and ate till my opinions were shoved way down inside. I smothered my words and feelings with chocolate and cake and candy and anything that I could eat quick and fast.
So it makes a lot of sense now that I am 33 years old and still fantasizing about that book I've dreamt of writing. I question who will read it? What my family will think? How will I be perceived? All the while never even begging the first sentence. But tonight, thanks to that awesome Netflix mini movie 'The Incredible Jessica James'. That I realized……how amazing my thoughts and words and feelings are. How I just have a way with words when I talk. I am amazing and talented and quirky and lovable and weird. So what! I am me. I am my story and my words. Nobody can dictate that…..so why do I let them. Here is to me letting my words out from my internal prison. May they never stop flowing. May I always lead with my words and thoughts and never with what others want to hear.