I’ve had enough

I’m 33 years old and I weigh 268.8 pounds.

I have never said that out loud nor have I even written it down. My shame and loneliness lies in how I view my body and myself. I am confident when others need me to be. I am smart and loyal and kind to everyone but me.

A long time ago I stopped loving myself and the weight just climbed aboard and never left. It has been 15 years of diets and weight loss pills and starving myself to drop 10 and gain 20. I am tired. I am tired of the body aches and the back aches in the morning. I am tired of being alone and refusing to buy bigger close because I hate the size that I see.

I am tired of being the pretty girl with the personality. I am ready set eat my self free. My mind and body are laughing at me now saying ‘we have heard his crap before’

But I’m fed up of taking a seat in the back. I am afraid of only taking head shot pics because I despise the neck below. I however am thankful I am healthy inspire of it all, and would never change that for anything. But my knees can’t carry this weight around anymore. I need to start now before I kill myself under this weight.


I fantasize about being a size six and how life would magically be what I need to be. But I’m afraid of the work. I am afraid to put my all in it.


Sunday feels

I am alone.

I am free.

I am bored.

I am a live.

I am healthy.

I am fat.

I am done pretending.

I should stop hiding.

I could try a little harder.

I just don’t have the energy.

I could take a break.

I don’t like doing nothing.

I should probably start.


Relationship status: Confused

I’m not sure what I get tired of being asked more…..how come your still single? Or who does your makeup? Both of these questions are equally ridiculous and I always respond with an awkward laugh.

First of all, I am really flattered that people think I have that much of an amazing life to have a full time makeup artist on my team. Also, I wasn’t aware of how single I am but it’s always nice to be reminded. I guess it comes with the culture you know. People assume your up to no good if you aren’t tied to someone. But I’m single by choice (hahahahaha i didn’t believe it either) and because I am already raising a human, it gives me little time to spend on this dating thing.

I am hopeless at dating. I tend to pick up stray dogs and I want to reform them and home train them only to return them to the shelter or far better where I found them. Dating was more of a sport when I was single and pre-child. I didn’t take it too seriously and I always knew each guy i dated would provided endless stories for my novel (which still is in the works). But now I’m someone’s mother and I can’t keep that hobby up. Also, dating now is so much more confusing then 10 years ago.

The last guy I dated, turned out was married. I guess looking back now, I can see how I contributed to this naive notion by not taking it serious enough to see all the red flags. But I’ve learned that mistake, no more log distance for me. The guy before that was so intense. After a month of dating he was already planning our future. I don’t know how he lasted 5 months but in the end he was to unrealistic for me. Aside from a built in filler ‘best girl friend’ for when i was busy, he had an ego and I couldn’t make the commitment of stroking it for ever.

The one before that was short and sweet, he was obsessed with his ex-wife. There were a few other quick brief dates, but none of them were remarkable. I have been divorced now for 8 years. I am also certain that my lack of enthusiasm or getting out of my comfort zone contributes to this solo life. I just think it’s exhausting and I haven’t even started have I? Dating used to be fun, it used to be about going and meeting and getting to know someone. Now it’s like a bloody job. You have to do your research, make sure they qualify for the job and do a background check with finger prints.

So basically I need to get out there and look available, smile at strangers and try not to lose my mind in the process. You can see why single life is a much safer option, you don’t have to venture out into to the real world unless you absolutely have to.


What I want you to know

What’s your story baby girl? Tell me and I will tell the world:

My story is long, yet very short in words. I grew up in a large family. Being the 5th child I was often forgotten or not focused on as much. My parents where foreign, and it was hard raising 7 kids in a new country. I don’t blame them at all. I can’t imagine moving my whole world to a new country and starting over as an adult. I learned very quickly when I was younger that if I told people what they wanted to hear, they would like me more. I agreed with friends and followed them and listened to them and always made sure to focus on them. That’s how I got people to really like me. I payed attention to guys when I was a teenager and I lied and said I adored them and went out of my way to stroke their egos so that they would love me. But the minuet I stopped, is when it with all fall apart. As I got older, I got tired of putting on the mask. Of always trying to please people and I started to isolate myself. When I get tired of people using me and only loving me for my ‘people pleasing self’ I realized I needed more to life. I knew I never had authentic relationships with anyone, not even with any of my own siblings. I was always hiding under a mask or a fake smile. I woke up recently and i guess I have been trying to wake up for sometime now. I am more than just this mask. I am a person and at 33 years if life I’m shedding it all and discovering who I really am. In this process I’ve lost friendships that where one sided. I’ve let go of toxic relationships that were not serving me. I’ve stop reaching for the phone when I’m lonely and I have started to care more about my feelings than before. It’s like I’m a whole new person. Let’s see where this takes me. I was never good at loosing weight, maybe now I’ll feel skinnier on the inside when I shed this emotionally dead weight.

So I have this friend….

I have been blogging on and off for years. Always under a pseudo name because I was afraid of people who knew me to see what I was writing. But something changed last year, I don’t know wether I stopped caring or I finally woke up and realized my opinion is the only one that matters anymore. Writing in journals has always been my out put. I often feel like when I couldn’t talk to anyone,a book and a paper saved me. I can count on one hand the amount of people I know in life who know me through and though. When you grew up the way I did, you don’t go around and confide in friends, instead you blog and let strangers read your stories. I guess what’s changed now is I can no longer keep these stories inside of me. I want them out and I want people to read and see me for every word. I’m not going to go deep but I’m going to share more so than I have before. No topics of limits. Just whatever direction my day takes. So here goes nothing……or everything, I Can’t decide!