Once again I got sucked in. I got sucked in letting my master manipulator mother drag me in and spit me out. How am I now only seeing the cause of most of my issues is such a surprise. I cried and all the while I kept thinking to myself 'your letting her win' but it isn't about letting her win. It's about breaking this abusive pattern and hold she has over me.
Is it possible to love your mother yet at the same time not like the person or the characters she displays. In my culture I'm not allowed to think of my mother this way. I'm supposed to say yes and ask how high when she says jump. I'm never to question her reasoning, I am just to follow her blindly into the dark and pray that I survive. I can't and won't live like this. This abuse has gone on for far too long.
I am fat and self medicate with food because I was never allowed to have an opinion in my life. I have turned into an angry explosive person when I allow myself to stand my ground and I hate that she does this to me. I hate that she brings out the worst of me, because even I can't stand myself when I get to that point. I'd have been emotionally and physically used multiple times in my life. I am now at 33 seeing that it's not ok. I am worthy and it's not ok, for even my own mother to use guilt and manipulation as a way to control me. I refuse to let this stand,
I can't believe I thought of suicide at one point when all I ever needed to do was find the root cause of my issues. It starts with her. It always began with her. If I ever had an inclination that she wouldn't blame me for being abused I might have confided in her. But I knew she would see me as an embarrassing daughter who lies to get attention. That might have been my tipping points, but now I see my worth after this crazy fight. I see what I am worth and what she does will never break me again. I see my anger as a child crying for help. I need to care for myself before I can care about her. I need to love myself back to being whole.
I am not my mothers daughter. I am stronger and will see my light behind her shadow. I will come out whole.