Feelings and more feelings

Have you ever tried so hard to be a happy positive person and failed? That’s what I feel like tonight. I feel like for a solid month and a half, I have read every self help book and still have not succeed.  I just want to not feel worthless for once. I wanted others to see how happy I am and they would want to be around me and with me. But that’s not what’s happened. Choosing to be happy is so much harder. But I failed at it……

Or so I thought. I had a moment this evening when I felt so low and worthless that I contemplated what it would feel like to no longer feel…..I’ve never thought about that, but tonight I lay on my bed and my thoughts drifted to images of me being weak and worthless. But then something happened. A stronger more reassuring feeling came over me and all I heard was……

“I love you and I will protect you. Go change into something comfy and let me take care of you. I promise to not let you go”

I’m balling just writing that. Happiness is not something you pass or fail at. True happiness for me is when my thoughts take me to dark places, my inner voice is strong enough to kick down the door and pour love and light on the darkness. Happiness is not needing anyone or anything to make me feel worthy or loved from the outside. Happiness isn’t something you earn but something you should have.

I’m forever and grateful for that inner voice that is my light and love.

G.

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