Most people have no clue of what I’ve gone through. I’ve kept a pretty good streak of only showing the pretty aspects of my life. Because, who wants to carry someone else’s burden or hurt?! Too often I find myself asking ‘does anyone really know me’ and the answer to that is a deafening no.
In my culture and in my world, one does not simply talk about abuse. If your unfortunate to experience it then your better off taking it to your grave. But sometimes the constant punishment over something you did not agree to or even want can be similar to living in your own personal hell. Seeking affection in all the wrong places, in that tub off ice cream or that creep of a guy who uses you only because he can see the brokenness that is you.
Some days I’m more alive and I can see through my pain and I can talk myself onto seeing the good that I am. Other days I can only ask….’why me’. Those days are a few and far between. I don’t let self pitty out to roam too often. I have learned I’m my only savior and I don’t have time to fall apart.
Today I woke up and I realized that I’m beginning to love myself……to love myself enough to know I deserve far better than the life I’ve been living. The people that often fall into the cracks are those who have the deepest cuts. I don’t know when I lost myself, but I can’t go on to dwell on that girl lost. I can only save the woman that I am today. My past is exactly that.
Today I will love myself a little more because it makes me stronger. Today I will not accept the fake affection of a man who only seeks one thing out of me. Today I will see my worth for all that it is. Today I’m going to beging to actually breath.