Forgiveness

I am constantly trying to forgive myself and others so that I can live a life free of resentment and hate. But that is easier said then done. I can forgive others easily and maybe, the forgetting part is harder to do. I give so much energy to the memory that I often feel like I am back to were I started. Forgiving myself I’ve found, is often harder. I have read a book lately that has given me a stepping stone on how to forgive myself and how to not let others have such an impact on me. It gave me true insight on how to not feel powerless around my self or anyone else.

The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz was an eye opener. When he talked about ‘being impeccable with your word’ it spoke straight to my core. How could I have ever moved on from hurt and anger when my words constantly sounded like……why me? I’m so fat, nobody loves me, poor me, look at me and how unfulfilled I am. Those words I used to use to write my daily story manifested themselves onto my reality and I what couldn’t figure out was, that even though I was trying hard to change myself there was no change happening. It wasn’t until I started paying close attention to my words, that unnoticed how I can shift my words into a tool of progression. I now make a daily vow to be impeccable with my word. 

The second agreement is ‘Don’t take anything personal’. I am the queen of beiliving that others do things and say things to me because of the way I am or what they see. If I even just changed that narrative in my head and believed that others actions is a reflection of their reality and not in anyway form or shape because of me. Then I’ve learned I’m more at peace with my inner core and the reality I’m in. I’m less judgement of myself and others and I’m aware at how easily I can move on when I don’t take it personally.

The third agreement is ‘Don’t make assumptions’. This was another biggie for me. I often think that asking questions and clarifications makes me seem somewhat weaker. But often the assumptions I make take a life of their own and go out of control. I need to find the courage to ask for clarification or further questions withtout feeling weak. Communication is key to this one, and even though at times I felt like I couldn’t communicate without putting my feelings into it. I am now at a place where I find being courages a beautiful thing and a rather good feeling. Practicingn this one on a daily basis is the only way I know how to get myself out of feeling any less than what I am.

The last agreement Don talks about is ‘always do your  best.’ I have always had a hard time being less critical of myself even when I knew I was doing my best. Now if I know that I’ve given something my best…..I stop at that. I don’t look for holes in my reasoning as to why I think I did my best. I give myself a way out of self-judgement and self-abuse. Knowing I’ve given something ‘my best’ is something I have to work on constantly, but I’m done with second guessing if that was my best.

The final thing I’ve learned so far in life is, when you change the voice within from self criticism and self abuse and fill all those gaps with self love. Then I’m more at peace. I choose to love others inspite of what they say or do. Giving others powers that don’t belong is no longer my story. I will love you even when I don’t think you deserve it, because that’s the only way I can change my narrative.

G.

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