Eating my life away 

I have an addiction…..and my addiction is food. For as far as my memory in pre-teen, I used food as a pillow, a hug or a shoulder to lean in on when I had no tools to process my emotions.

I was always taught to be proud and not show any weakness growing up. In our family, if you were too emotional you were a weaklink. I never expected my happy childhood turn into a life altering moment we’re the only comfort or solace I found was in food. 

Tonight…..I was feeling lonely and pretty low about my weight. Instead of coming up with ways to get myself out of the rut, I leaned into white chocolate covered macaroons and a rom-com movie on Netflix. I always picture myself as the leading lady, but then by the end…when I’m back from escape land, I realize that no man would love me today the way I am. It’s not just about my size, but my confidence, the way my smile hides behind these insecure eyes. I can’t love myself like this so how dare I expect anybody to love me like this.

I’m so much more than this body….I know I’m supposed to love myself but I don’t like where I am today. I hide food in my bag until I’m a lone and I can comfort myself without judgement. Then I wake up in the morning sore and achey and disappointed that once again I had no self control. But I’m here, buried under this 283 pound suite, I’m screaming to get out but I can’t get out. I can’t find the zipper or the eject button. I scream everyday when I reach for the crap that’s killing me physically and emotionally. But nobody can hear me or see right through me.

I am addicted to food. I wake up thinking about my next meal, my days off revolve around finding the food I like and enjoying them as much and as often. When I’m lonely I eat, when I’m happy I eat, and when I’m sad or lose hope, I eat until that voice inside me is no longer audible. Food is my drug, my enabler, my worst enemy and my biggest fear. 

When will I realize that I can’t continue to let the scale climb each week. I need to wake up today and fix this……but how?! 

G.

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. PattiP0414 · February 3, 2016

    Oh, Sweetie! I wish, right this very moment, I could just give you a hug . . . The type of hug I used to give (and still would if they let me) my children! It breaks my heart to know, based on what you have described and said in your blogs, that you have not been shown what unconditional love is. As I read them, I realized there were so many things I was relating to.

    In order to move forward, you need to look inside yourself – introspection. You will need to face down the ugly demons which are holding you down. 2016 is the Year of My New Beginning. I turn 50 this year. I have so many lost years because I was in a deep, dark, twisty place. I am now starting to face some really ugly truths about myself.

    Everything is about Baby Steps. Pick just one thing and work at it. Once that is mastered, move on to the next. You did not get to the point you are right now overnight. You will not get to where you want to be overnight, either.

    When food is your drug of choice, there really is no hiding it. I wear my suit every day. I have been carrying around an extra person for going on 17 years now. This is the year she has to go. She is being given her eviction notice!

    The one thing I want you to keep in mind is this: You are not alone on this journey. If you ever need to talk, I am willing to listen. No judgments. No trying to ‘fix’ you. No expecting anything in return. I will just be . . . be whatever you need in that moment.

    “If I could give you one gift, I would give you the ability to see yourself as I see you, so you could see how truly special you are.” – Author Unknown

    Liked by 1 person

    • sassygabar · February 3, 2016

      Thank you for your kind words. Everything you said is spot on. I didn’t get here overnight and it’s a long fight ahead. The comforting thing about this all Is knowing other are going through the same fight. My biggest fear is facing my demons head on, but I know that’s the only way I can move forward and deal with my addiction to food. I’m handing out my eviction notice to my extra person today too, she’s no longer welcomed in this life of mine.

      Liked by 1 person

      • PattiP0414 · February 3, 2016

        Amen! I am not going to lie. It is going to be EXTREMELY hard! However, you are NEVER alone in your battle. You DO have people who understand your mindset, your struggles, your fears, your hurdles and, more than likely, some have been through similar situations which have caused your pain and suffering. Please know I am here cheering you on and would like to be a person you can lean on when the going gets rough. You CAN do this! You are SOOOOOO WORTH IT!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s