I went to sleep last night wondering how I got here. How I lost my way in life and ended up here. I’m not one to questions God as I have unwavering believe that fate is there for a reason. But I can’t help but wonder why when it rains it pours.
I’ve let go of myself. I have let go of all the faith and courage and determination I had of myself. Then I woke up and realized, crap the year is almost over and I don’t know how I got here. I had set out goals to reach this year and sadly I have not met any of them. I am no better today then I was on January 1st. Why do I continue to waste my life and let it slip by me?
The only thing I have managed to do this year is gain back the weight I lost last year. I got cocky and confident and stopped caring about what I ate and even though I was feeling the weight on me before I actually saw it on the scale, I still refused to believe it. I have continued to lose friendships and relationships because I let the most unhealthy people in my life and then I realize when the damage is done that perhaps they shouldn’t have gotten a pass in the first place.
I’m unfulfilled in my job. I can do it with my eyes closed and on autopilot. Yet somehow every waking moment I ask myself how I got stuck here. When I was younger I had passion for life and everything in it. Lately I feel like I have been lazy and even though I am happy I take the easy route of ‘don’t fix it if it isn’t broken’. But it is broken. I am broken. I am unhappy on so many ways that I dread Monday as soon as it hits midnight. I try to be thankful and I am. I try to see that others have it far worse but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness inside. It doesn’t stop me for reaching for food to fill this hole that just grows every year. I don’t see a purpose to mylife and that’s sad.
I have read so many self-help books and motivational ones that I know how to give others advice on how to live a more fulfilling life. But here I sit just feeling like I’m stuck in the mud. I’m so afraid to rock the boat that I know if I just took chances I would get somewhere, but that’s not how I’m wired. I was raised to fear a lot of things and I fee like this holds me back in a lot of ways. I just want to wake up from this lul in life and get my shit together. So I ask again……what is my purpose?