This feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything in my life. That I am not putting my brain or my body to better use. I hate that I make myself seem helpless when in all reality I am capable of so much more. What’s worse is my dependency on people who do me no good. I’m letting my past hold me down. I am both aware and unaware of what role my past trauma plays in my day-to-day life. I have believed my whole life that If could just compartmentalized every bad experience in to neat little boxes and shove them way down. Never to see light or come to surface and ruin me. I am now discovering that I haven’t been able to do that successfully. My dependency on food for emotional support comes from a place of fear and being hurt or taken advantage off. I hate that I can’t talk to the people who most matter in my life about my hurt. I wish for once to just be comfortable in my vulnerability and lean on someone other than myself for strength. But I can’t do that right now. I have not invested time in building those kind of relationships. Instead, I’ve wasted a great amount of time on trying to make relationships that only leave me lonelier and more depressed than when I first ventured into the relationship.
The upside to this feeling, is that I hate to feel like I’m defeated. As soon as I start to take pity on myself, the small voice inside me whispers ‘so were just going to take this lying down huh?’ and that almost always gets me out of this funk. I believe we are all capable of changing our lives for the better. I don’t think that my weight or my job description limits me to just that. I’ve seen 1st hand people come up from worse situations just by having unwavering faith in themselves. Yes I’ve been through some shitty situations, but my fight isn’t over. I don’t chose to dwell on the past, but I realize I need to let it come to light and then let it go. I need to use these heavy boxes as ladders to becoming a stronger and a wiser version of myself.
I can’t stop telling my self that I am enough. Perhaps I need to not just listen to the words but live by them honestly.