Searching for something

  Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. Sometime during the day I started to feel unbalanced emotionally and everything went down hill from there. The minute I got off work I went in search for sugary snacks and candy to help me shake off this feeling of numbness. I can’t seem to explain exactly how I feel, I’m not sad or upset, just numb. So after the first candy bar I felt a tad bit better. Then I had another one shortly after and then I took a nap on the couch. When I woke up from the nap, I still felt tired and drained but nothing a bag of sugary gummy bears can’t fix. I snacked on them while I watched t.v. Then around 7pm I was hungry for some actual food, I didn’t have the energy to make some, so I got dressed and went out to get some fast food. Mind you it was raining and cold and miserable out, but the hunger won and off I went. The easiest place without me having to get out of the car was McDonald’s. I had a chicken sandwich with large fries and a coke. I went home a scarfed the whole thing down while watching t.v. That made me nauseas and not that much better. I got up, took a shower and came back to the couch and polished off my bag of gummies. Around 10pm when I felt like I was too exhausted to move and over watching reality t.v, I reached for my last bag of candy from my binge shopping. After I popped the last m&m in my bag I really was on the verge of throwing up. So I sipped on some water to give me relief.

I still felt numb, so I called Jay (my guy. the minute I heard him smiling through the phone as he chatted away, I started to feel happy and at ease. The whole time I was talking to him, I laughed and blushed and giggled like some teenager. This feeling of just being happy and carefree was what I was searching for all day. Two and a half hours later when we hanged up, I felt like myself again. But why does it take Jay to provoke this normal feeling of being okay and actually feeling an emotion. I really like Jay and I know the feeling is mutual, but I don’t want to make the same mistakes were I give him the power and pressure of making me happy. Because then I would be setting him up for failure if he couldn’t make me happy all the time.

I woke up this mornings searching for some feeling that will get me through the day and not repeat yesterdays madness. I kept asking myself questions and seeing if I could pin point what is causing me to be detached from emotions or feelings. I have read so many self-help books that I’m pretty sure I could be my own therapist. I often feel like I’m just going through life’s motions and just running on autopilot. I crave meaning and feelings and when I don’t get them I lean on short-term fixes like the high I get from sugar or the attention a person gives me. Either way, I’m on a mission to figure this out. I would like happiness, but that’s not what I’m looking for.  I’ll let you know when I have some clue of what I’m actually looking for, but until then I just need to stay busy and keep talking to Jay.



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