Monday reflections

  Lately I have been feeling like I’m looking at myself through a window and I’m wondering how I got here. That might seem a little dramatic, but if you could only see how I envisioned my life you would understand why I feel like this. Lately, my life choices have not been the best. I still seek affection and approval in the wrong kind of people. People who do not contribute to a better me or who encourage me to find the better me. Lately, I have let people walk right into my life and do as they please without contributing to any happiness or well-being. I have sacrificed my happiness to fill the loneliness and I’m doing it at a very high price. What’s even more surprising is the amount of bargaining I do with myself. I’m a master at compartmentalizing my happiness and  sadness and putting my other issues away so that I don’t feel alone.

I have let a friend recently take me for granted and I kept on letting her do it. I love being needed by others, but recently she has been taking advantage of this and only reaching out when it suits her. Looking back and I realize I do this with all my friendships, I over compensate for them not being a good friend. I carry the friendship and pay the most attention to it and even when they let me down, I’m still there for them. It’s just now I’m over it and I feel a little bit better but then I don’t want to lose a friend as my friends are few and far between

The other person I have allowed to use me Is my ex. I started of blogging when we broke up a year ago. Last year I thought I had made this huge mistake by calling it off after 6 months. Looking back in my journal, I was so depressed and sad about the break up. Even though I called it quits, I missed him desperately. Sitting here today I can’t imagine that feeling, I have no feelings towards this man. I remember how great those 6 months were but it could never be the way it used to be and to be honest those 6 months can’t be replicated both because it was new and intense and not diluted. So when he reached out to me last month wanting to get back together, I thought it would be great. But no matter how much I tried, I really did not have any feelings or desire to re-unite with him. So when he texted or called and I went to hang with him, I felt like such an imposter. I was doing it for him and not me. I didn’t want to be romantically involved with him and he doesn’t know how to just be friends, but again I went a long with it because I had nobody or nothing else to fill my time with.

The other situation is with the guy I’m talking to. I love our nightly conversations, I feel like a teenager again being on the phone for several hours just talking. But I feel like I’m trying to build this into something that I really want. So far we have been on 3 dates and they have all been ok. There is no flirting and he starts to get super nervous during the date, which is weird because he’s very confident on the phone. The other night when we went out to dinner it was a little awkward to start with but then it was really good towards the end. I was really not wanting the night to end and I knew he told me we should catch a movie, but then when I suggested it he shot it down. I was confused because he really didn’t have a reason other than to say we can do it another time. It felt really weird saying good-bye because it just felt like he was ending the night as quickly as he could. The crazy thing is I only feel rejected because I was bored and wanted to catch a movie, but I made it out to be like I was hurt because he didn’t want to spend time with me. Confusing……tell me about it. I don’t know why I let boredom and loneliness dictate who I keep in my life. If guy wasn’t in the picture, I am almost certain I would have tried a second round with the ex so I wasn’t a lone.

I don’t know how to be okay a lone. I can do being a lone in doses, but if nobody calls or texts me through the day I feel like no one cares. Part of me thinks this comes from growing up in a big family were I had people around me all the time and now I can’t stand just sitting at home by myself. I have tried hobbies, but I’m a people person. I want people around me and sometimes that want is so bad that I let the wrong kind of people in. I would have thought that being in my thirties I would learn how to enjoy my own company. I just haven’t found that yet.



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