I was actually thankful it was Monday again. So much has happened this weekend and although I’m numb because I really haven’t had a chance to process any of my emotions as usual. Let me tell you all about the crazy weekend I had.
I ended up feeling really good about Friday in general and was psyched to be going out with my girlfriend to the movies. We had a really good time and just enjoyed catching up and talking. On my way home around 10:30pm it started to pour down. It was just a mess outside and when I got home, I called my “Ex” who now has decided he wants back into my life. Since grabbing coffee on Monday we have had only one brief phone conversation Thursday afternoon. Of course he didn’t answer and he didn’t text or call back either. As I was getting ready for bed, My match.com guy called me and we ended up having a really nice conversation until midnight. I didn’t feel as bad about the ex calling because my match.com guy took my mind into a better direction. I don’t know why but I really needed to just talk with someone and he was just perfect at that moment.
I wasn’t planning to get up early at all Saturday and I don’t know what made me wake up and look for my phone. When I finally found it on the other side of the bed, I noticed my co-worker calling me. She called to ask if I had heard from our other co-worker and also a really close friend of mine. I said no and then she told me that her dad was in a really horrible car accident and had passed away Friday night. I was still in shock when I hanged up with her. As my I went to look at my contacts, I noticed a missed call from her at 5.30am. Nothing can describe the heartbreaking voicemail my friend left for me. Just listening to the pain and sadness in her voice just gave me chills and a lump in my throat. As I started to call her back, I didn’t know what I could say to someone who had just lost her father in such a sudden and tragic way. I cried with her on the phone and gave her my condolences. When I hanged up, I immediately thought about my own father. I know were not as close, but it made me sad to think that I might one day be in a world were he is not in. I couldn’t get my friends fathers image out of my head. Every time I got a second to think, his face kept popping up in my head. He was too young and so very much-loved by his family. It was just heartbreaking, knowing he died only 5 mins away from his house, on his way home to his family.
I went over to my friend’s house and spent a few hours hugging and crying with her. Her grief was just shattering to watch. Seeing someone you love and care about hurting and not being able to do anything is defeating. I knew there was nothing I could do or say to make any of their pains a little less, but just being there and holding her as she wept gave me a little comfort. I was emotionally numb after I left her, being reminded of how precious life is made me re-think my sad and lonely moments. I didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening at home thinking about life. So I called my match.com, Jay. He was supper sweet and supportive once he heard and he asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee later. This was going to be the 1st time we had actually met up and I was both nervous and excited. We had a really nice coffee and conversation. I started off a little nervous and shy and he ended up getting a little nervous towards the end. We ended up hugging and saying our goodbyes. I felt really good about meeting him. I was so happy to see we get a long in person too. As I was driving home around 9.30pm. my ex called me. He asked what I was doing? I told him I was on my way home, he asked if I wanted to come over and I said no. He went on to tell me he really missed me and wanted to see me and that he just wanted to talk and catch up. So I went over to talk with him. I told him that if he wanted to be in a relationship that he had to prove he wanted to commit. Its one thing to say I missed you and I want to pick up were we left off, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. You cant one minute decide that your too busy to have relationship and the next minute realize you want to have a partner. I told him I was not ready to pick up were we left off and that I needed to see him put forth effort before I can consider a relationship. I could tell he was surprised at my talk, but I was happier with myself that u had told him exactly how I felt.
When I was leaving him all I kept thinking about was Jay and my coffee date. It was almost like he read my mind when I reached for my phone and saw a text from him. It read ‘BTW your even more beautiful in person’. Who doesn’t want to see that message after a blind date. I ended up calling him before bed and having a brief but equally nice conversation.
Sunday was just emotionally exhausting. Seeing my friend again and having these constant flashes of her dads face just really made me sad and emotionally needy. I didn’t reach out to anyone and I spent most of my day keeping busy with running errands with my mom. What I really want today is a hug and too cuddle up on the coach after work with a book to take my mind and soul to a different place.