I had anticipating this coffee date with my ex all weekend. Part of me was hoping last night that I would have a reason not to go, but when he texted me good morning today, I knew I had to go see him. I told him I was available at 3 and that we could meet up at our Starbucks we always used to hang out at.
I don’t know why I felt so nervous all morning. I kept thinking about what I should wear and what I thought he would want to talk to me about. I tried really hard to get out of my head and just go there with an open mind. I guess I didn’t realize how many old feelings this meeting would stir up inside me.
When I pulled up to the coffee place, i didn’t initially see him at first. I walked in and got in line, as I was about to pull out my phone he came up behind me. We hugged and he gave me a peck on the cheek. I had a hard time making eye contact with him for the very 1st couple of minutes. We ordered our drinks and made small talk while we waited for our drinks. I forgot how easy our conversations used to move from one subject to another. Once we got our drinks, we grabbed a table outside. Sitting across him was just a odd feeling. This is a man I had worked at really hard to get over, yet I felt really easy sharing this moment with him.
We caught up on each others life’s, he as usual is busy traveling for work. More so now then when we were together. Then it got to that weird stage when he asked what had happened between us? I was really proud of myself for actually telling him what I knew to be the reason why it didn’t work out between us. He accepted his part in that second break up and he told me that he really didn’t get over me 1st calling it quits and that he wasn’t fully present when we tried to make it work again.
I asked him why it took almost 7 months to reach out if he really felt like we should be together. He said, he needed that space to see that what he truly wanted was to be in a relationship with me. I told him that I took that time to move on and keep moving forward without him. I don’t think he expected that of me. He asked why I didn’t reach out? I told him that when someone doesn’t want you or shows you that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, that it’s hard to keep putting yourself out there only to be rejected.
We talked for at least a good 2 hours. He asked if I had moved on and was I dating anyone? Then he asked to see if we can work things out and did I remember how good we were together? I did remember, but I also remember all the not so good parts. It’s weird hearing all of this now, when 4 months ago this would have been music to my ears. I’m afraid to put myself in a situation where he hurts me like that again. I still think we need to talk about the other reason why I initially called it quits. It did feel really good to be there with him, but it was all so confusing too. Like i didn’t know whether to trust these feelings or keep my guard up.
I don’t know what to do! part of me wants to jump in head 1st and see what happens. But the other part of me is like, how can he think it’s so easy to walk into my life? I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t feel the chemistry the minute I saw him, but that doesn’t mean anything if I don’t feel secure in our relationship.
Ugh!!! Why can’t it be so simple!!!! I did miss him though, but what will make this time any different?