Letting my thoughts wonder off


Why am I trying to think of him. I’m forcing myself to look back and see him in my thoughts. That man brought me back to life at a time when I thought for sure I was doomed by my divorce. He came in when I was at my happiest weight and finally getting myself back to the girl I was before my divorce. The fun loving, carefree and not so ashamed girl.
He came in strong and heavy. Full off love to give and attention to adorn on me. In the early stages, the long night phone calls and the texting was fantastic. He wanted to talk to me, to see me, to not go a minute without communicating with me. I felt young again, his attention was a fresh of breath air. He instantly fell for me, telling me how much he adored and cared for me. How he knew for sure he loved me, his show of love was both vocal and physical. He always kissed me deeper and almost like he couldn’t get enough of me. Like every second he spent away for me was made up for in that kiss that swallowed me whole.
He always wanted to talk about my feelings, about me becoming comfortable in letting them out. When I stayed over his place (which he insisted every weekend) he would always ask me……were do you think this relationship is heading? I would always feel happy to have a man who was so emotionally involved that I ignored the little voice that was picking up the warning signs. I fell hard for the idea of him, I let myself get swept away by his affection and love. I fell asleep every night for a couple of months thanking God for brining this man into my life, for giving me hope and love again.
It wasn’t until 5 months later that I started to get bothered by this relationship he had with a friend of his. When he started mentioning to me that she came over last night and stayed till 1am just hanging out on the couch and that some mornings when I was busy working, he would make her breakfast and they would hang out all day, but he would tease me if I grew quite and say stuff like ‘at least I didn’t sleep with her?!’ I don’t know why I still managed to go a long with this even though I was feeling very strange about it.  But it felt good to be oblivious to this other relationship he was having, so long as till he fulfilled and consumed me like this.
It wasn’t until he started becoming distant and that every time I called him he was with her that I called it quits. He didn’t know why I was ruining a great thing all because of my insecurities. But it’s not a great feeling when your boyfriend is emotionally invested in someone else.  I wish he hadn’t had that connection with her, I even sometimes wish I wasn’t so insecure about it. But I’m really all about being in an authentic relationship. One were we fulfil each others life’s.
So last night when he consumed my thoughts and I realized that, although I don’t miss him as much. It still hurts not having him or maybe that relationship around. I don’t know why I need someone so much when I’m such an independent person. I know I made a right decision. But lately, the way my dating life is going, I wouldn’t mind having a stable partner. Someone who at my most insecure loves me regardless, and who would just be there for my little day to day moments. Being alone isn’t a choice and sometimes when I’m so lonely I look back at the beginning stages of our relationship and let myself get lost in that.
I just wished I had some sort of closure with him, but that would probably be asking too much as it is. 


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