Waking up this morning feeling physically and emotionally tired. I just wanted to stay in bed a little longer this morning, so I can process all of my feelings from this weekend. But life always manages to get in the way. So instead I’m going to write about my weekend and maybe I will feel a bit of relief.
I went to a last-minute birthday party on Friday night. One of my best girlfriends was throwing an impromptu party for her 7-year-old. I really didn’t feel like going, but I needed to get out of the house so I went. The party was very casual and fun, but even while I was there I felt all out of sorts. I have been very ok with being the only single girl at any party for a while , but lately I’ve been over it. Especially when everyone around you is all coupled up. I managed to leave around 10:30ish and that’s when my Match.com guy had texted me. I know he’s told me before he doesn’t really do the whole texting thing, but could he really not respond back to me 10am good morning text any sooner than 12 hours later? We texted back for like 30 mins before I was sleepy and just crashed. I texted him the next afternoon to see what time we planed to meet for coffee. He called me to let me know he was going on a boat with a couple of his buddies and he would be available around 7 or 8ish. I told him that was cool and to just text me before so we can decide were to meet up. Well he never texted and I just ended up getting dinner with my family and falling asleep at 10pm feeling rejected and annoyed.
When I woke up Sunday morning, I noticed a missed call from him at 11:11pm. All Sunday morning I kept thinking why would he ask me Friday night if we were still planning to see each other on Saturday and then tell me again Saturday that we were still meeting up later. I had texted my girlfriend and begged her to come out and have lunch with me to take my mind off the thought of being rejected. She told me to text him to see what happened and give him the benefit of doubt. I did and he called me back immediately. His excuse was he lost track of what time it was on the boat and by the time he was heading home at 11 he called me it was late. Even though that was a lame excuse, like he couldn’t text me to let me know he wouldn’t make it? So when he suggested to meet up later on, I was like okay, I will text you when I leave lunch with my friend. I did text him and he didn’t respond. Instead my “Lets be friend and nothing more” guy texted me. Almost like the universe was tired of dealing with my emotional rollercoaster and she throw him my way to throw me off. He asked if I was doing anything and if I wanted to come hang out with him. I hesitate for a second, but then I realized how he makes me feel when I’m with him and before I knew it I was agreeing to seeing him.
I had a great time with him and only after I was heading him around 11pm did I star to think of why he doesn’t want to date me. It didn’t help that Match.com guy hadn’t still responded to my text or called me. Why do I attract men that are emotionally unavailable to me? Perhaps if I wasn’t attracted to a certain type of guy (the kind that are unavailable), I might just have a chance at a healthy relationship. But that would only work in a perfect world, in this world I just need to not focus on getting a relationship but trying to change my emotional attachment. It doesn’t take much for me to get attached to a guy, all he has to do is show interest in me and give me a few compliments and I’m practically committed to making it a relationship. I wasn’t always like this, but after going through a divorce and my apparent body issues, I have become this girl.
I’ve been listening to ‘The power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle all morning. I’m hoping to find peace within myself and maybe give myself a little love today. That way I wont think about (aside from a few slip ups this morning) or dwell on this past weekend.