Reality check

  

You know when you think you don’t look fat and when you look in the mirror you don’t really see all your flaws because your eyes trick you.  Well this morning all that was thrown out of the window when a friend sent me a video she took of me at a work yesterday. At first I really didn’t think it was me, I mean how could it be. That girl was huge! But then reality sets in and you realize that indeed it is you. I can’t describe this feeling of utter and overwhelming embarrassment and shame that followed after watching that video. When did I get so big? that’s what I kept thinking and repeating to myself.

Even though I have been doing really well since Sunday (it has a lot to do with my mood being really well lately), it still feels like I’m not making any huge strides. I was doing so well trying to love my body image, but sometimes it so hard when you see yourself on a screen. Now I’m super nervous of meeting this guy Saturday. To be honest I kind of don’t want to go through it, I would rather slip under a rock and emerge a year down the road when I can look at myself in the mirror again. But that’s not realistic! I almost wish I didn’t see that video, that I didn’t have this disappointing feeling in my gut. Like I have let myself down, I have betrayed my body by abusing her and taking out all my emotional stress on her. So I don’t blame her for betraying me and getting this huge.

I can’t do this anymore to her, I cant do this to myself anymore. I’m no better than the people who hurt me emotionally. I guess sometimes you need this reality check, but why does it have to be so harsh? Why does seeing yourself in a tiny screen create this deep sense of failure? Why can’t I just see myself and love myself just as I am?

G

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4 comments

  1. Happy Clumsy Memories · August 20, 2015

    I know exactly how you feel – I went on holiday last week and each morning checked myself in the mirror, and was relatively happy with the reflection. I saw photo’s of myself in those outfits and it took all my strength not to burst into tears. Things I hadn’t even noticed were picked up by the camera, and in comparison to my boyfriend, I looked three times the size of him! It is hard, but I think seeing myself the way I did has really motivated me to do something about it, because I don’t want to feel this way again. Don’t let it put you off of seeing the guy on Saturday – just be you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • sassygabar · August 20, 2015

      Thanks for the encouraging words! It’s just a little discouraging but I’m hoping my personality speaks louder than my body image!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. amandaturner612 · August 20, 2015

    I had the exact same thing happen recently. I went to a party, thought I looked great, then saw a picture of myself. I was slumped over in my chair, my arms looked huge, and I looked much older than I am. So frustrating… but motivating at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sassygabar · August 20, 2015

      Yes I agree! It truly woke me up and made realize how much I let myself go.

      Liked by 1 person

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