You know when you think you don’t look fat and when you look in the mirror you don’t really see all your flaws because your eyes trick you. Well this morning all that was thrown out of the window when a friend sent me a video she took of me at a work yesterday. At first I really didn’t think it was me, I mean how could it be. That girl was huge! But then reality sets in and you realize that indeed it is you. I can’t describe this feeling of utter and overwhelming embarrassment and shame that followed after watching that video. When did I get so big? that’s what I kept thinking and repeating to myself.
Even though I have been doing really well since Sunday (it has a lot to do with my mood being really well lately), it still feels like I’m not making any huge strides. I was doing so well trying to love my body image, but sometimes it so hard when you see yourself on a screen. Now I’m super nervous of meeting this guy Saturday. To be honest I kind of don’t want to go through it, I would rather slip under a rock and emerge a year down the road when I can look at myself in the mirror again. But that’s not realistic! I almost wish I didn’t see that video, that I didn’t have this disappointing feeling in my gut. Like I have let myself down, I have betrayed my body by abusing her and taking out all my emotional stress on her. So I don’t blame her for betraying me and getting this huge.
I can’t do this anymore to her, I cant do this to myself anymore. I’m no better than the people who hurt me emotionally. I guess sometimes you need this reality check, but why does it have to be so harsh? Why does seeing yourself in a tiny screen create this deep sense of failure? Why can’t I just see myself and love myself just as I am?