“Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim”
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you
I feel like it’s been forever since I last blogged. I’ve been busy jumping head 1st into situations and regretting them later. I’ve been going out with friends a lot lately, but that has also started making me miss the wrong kind of people. Sometime last weekend, I had reached out to this guy I swore of ever contacting. We had asked me to come over Monday night, but I was tired and busy and I didn’t. So Tuesday night I went over and boy was that a bad choice. He basically told me he was talking to other girls and that he just wanted a physical relationship from me. When I told him that’s not what I’m looking for, he told me exactly what I needed to hear to wake the F’up. He said ‘Sorry I’m just not ready for a relationship and I think we should be just friends’. I don’t want to be friends with him period. So I left, wounded and embarrassed. I don’t know why I felt wounded, I felt rejected even though I did not see myself with this guy. So I deleted his number and he hasn’t tried to reach out to me.
Around this same time last week, my good girlfriend and I both signed up for Match.com. I only signed up because she pushed me out of my comfort zone and challenged me to try something different. I think dating sites are creepy and I’m really skeptical of finding someone online. The 1st couple of days I was getting messages from guys I would never in real life approach or who I found remotely interesting. Then I got a message from this guy. He looked normal and we started messaging back and forth for a couple of days. The whole I’m talking to this guy I’m looking for any ‘Crazy” signs and reading far too much into our conversation. I didn’t get any bad vibes yet, so when he asked we move things to the phone, I was a little hesitant but still feeling pretty good from our conversions. He gave me his number and a few hours later I texted him. We talked for another day over text messages before we had our first phone conversation yesterday.
I was very nervous at 1st, but of the bat we really hit it off and before I know it we had been talking for an hour and a half. I had to call him back since I had plans to grab dinner with my family, but again we had another 2 hour conversation were we both just got to know each other and laugh a lot. When we finally hanged up the phone last night at 11:30 I was smiling and giddy. I could not fall asleep, I kept replaying our conversation, trying to look for holes (I didn’t find any). He was so easy to talk to, he listened and responded at ease. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up around 4am with this funny feeling in my stomach, I thought about him again and I started to get frustrated that he was having this effect on me already. So when I finally woke up 6.30 this morning I kept wondering if he would text me this morning. The effect he’s having on my appetite is wonderful, I actually didn’t eat that much all day yesterday and this morning I didn’t reach for a doughnut or a bagel. I had some coffee and a few bites of my oatmeal and its noon and I haven’t even tried to squeeze in a morning snack before lunch. But I’m also aware that this isn’t healthy or normal. I’m doing what I always do, falling for a guy before I even get to really know him. I’m so in love with the idea of meeting ‘The One’ that I set these men up to fail. I have already built him up in my mind of how I see this ‘relationship’ going that it’s both unrealistic and very naïve. I know the basics about him and we haven’t even met face to face, so why on earth do I have this giddy feeling. He did text me this morning, a brief ‘Hey good morning’ and nothing else, he already told me Mondays are a busy time for him at work but I still check my phone to see if he texted?
I’m starting to see where this heading and I don’t like it. I’ve manged to put my phone away and started to immerse myself in work and writing this blog and I plan to do that after I get off work too. I wont allow myself to even re-hash our conversation last night, because I know this is just me setting myself up for another situation. Wish me luck, I’m hopeless when it comes to men. It would almost be easy just to stay single forever, but then what fun would that be.
Untill then ,