I have this love and hate relationship with Mondays. Most of the love portion comes from how much self-care I give myself Sunday nights. If I’m too busy on Sunday nights to have a moment of reflection, then I wake up Monday mornings often feeling annoyed and exhausted emotionally.
Of course last night I didn’t get my quality me time in, so I’m hoping blogging today will help me reflect somewhat to relief some of the bottled up emotions. Well I went out Friday night to grab a bite with my friends from work like I mention on the previous blog. Aside from being bummed out about the going home alone part, there was an interaction with a guy sitting at the bar that also left me annoyed and insecure. There is a jukebox in the restaurant that plays all different kinds of music. That Jason Derulo song ‘Wiggle‘ started playing, and the girl behind the part started teasing these two guys at the bar and asking who played that song. I thought the whole interaction was funny so I was laughing along with my friends. Then one of the guys, pointed to us and said teasingly “it was those girls. Yeah I bet it was the BIG one” as he started to point at me. I laughed it off and I’m 100 percent sure none of my friends heard him say that, but on the inside I was shrinking and mortified that he noticed how much bigger I was compared to my friends. I knew he wasn’t saying it to be malicious, at least this is what I’m choosing to believe. The comment just really hit me in the gut and it stuck with me all weekend.
Although, I have to admit I was more aware of not using food as a numbing tool. I was actively searching for small things through my weekend to keep my grateful. That’s probably the only thing that stopped me for reaching for the wrong kind of comfort. It was also what made me throw caution to the wind Saturday night and go out dancing with friends. It felt really good to put on heels and some red lipstick and get all doled up. I met my friends at the club and it was going really well, I was feeling very confident and pretty. A few times I got asked to dance by random guys and I stepped in and it was fun. A little bit later, these two girls were dancing right in front of us. When of the girls was a big girl and she was just having so much fun and full of confidence and just dancing her ass off. I was in awe because she clearly didn’t care how much she weighed or who was looking. That’s when one of the guys who was with my friends comes up to us and says “Do you guys know what a umpalumpa is?” at this point I had no clue what he was referring to. Until he told us “because there is one on the dance floor right now” and everyone started to laugh with him. I just stared at him and I’m pretty sure my mouth was somewhere near the floor. I couldn’t believe this guy was so blatantly rude and fat shaming this girl right in front of me. All I kept thinking was, does he not see me standing here, does he think I’m a “umpalumpa” too??
I’ve had too many people in my life tell me ‘oh but you hide your weight well’ one of these people being a health worker asking me my weight and the saying “No you’re not. Really?? you don’t look that big” I actually thanked him for that comment. I was astonished and when I’m in a socially awkward moment, I become this really polite and muted flower. So fat shaming is something I’m very well tuned into, I get it all the time but it doesn’t make the stinging any less easier. One of the common ones I get are from my Somali folks. I get a lot of “your such a pretty girl, but you would be so much prettier if you lost this weight” or “what a beautiful face you have”. Literally, strangers from our community are so comfortable that they will tell me to lose weight. You would think I would be used to it by now, but it still gives me stomach pains any time someone mentions my weight. My typical response is laugh it of and maybe that’s like agreeing with them, but on the other hand I’m horrible at confronting people so I choose the east route.
So yes people, I’m aware of how ‘FAT’ I am, but I’m pretty sure my weight doesn’t bother you as much as it bothers me. And no! saying I have a ‘Pretty Face’ or that I would ‘Be prettier if I lost a little weight’ is not a compliment. I am getting better at not letting these comments drive me to seek comfort with my besties ‘Sugar and Carbs’. So on one hand I’m making progress, it may not be on my pant size, but definitely making strides on my emotional eating. After all, Rome was not built-in one day.