Since writing that letter to my dad, I’ve had some wake up calls. One of them being that this guy I was talking to was using me for his own needs and I was letting him because I’m used to wanting men who’s affection and love I have to work for. The last straw with him was when he texted me if I wanted to come over at 9pm after not talking for a week. When I said no, he went on to tell me ‘you know you want to come over, so shut up and do it’. At this point I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and I that’s when I knew I had enough. So I texted him back ‘sorry no can do. Lose my number’.
I realize I settle for people who I wouldn’t respect or who I don’t think would be a great partner under normal circumstances. But when I’m in my negative self talk and a guy shows me interest, the bitch inside me yells at me ‘your lucky he’s even attracted to your fat ass’! So I put my self at their mercy and I let these men get away with using me and treating me like I’m their after thought when all else fails, I will be there waiting and ready to show my appreciation.
So last night after I got done texting him, a light bulb came on inside me and my inner gut said ‘I am enough! I love you and I will get you through this one and everything else’. That’s when I decided, I deserve better and right now I’m not giving my self better. I’m hurting myself and letting others do it too because that’s all I know to do. I’m not helpless or hopeless. I am stronger than this and I will do this for me.
I’ve always lost weight because I figured that’s when I will find my happily ever after. The guy and the friends and the great life awaiting me is only a 100 pounds lighter away. But that’s never helped me and it’s only made me feel more insecure and continue to hurt my confidence and self worth. I know it won’t be easy to break this lifestyle habit I’ve created, but it’s necessary. I don’t ever remember a period of my life were I was in love with the girl/woman I was. I was always seeking my happiness in others. Hence dating all the bad apples in the bag. So here’s to finding out what truly makes me happy!