So I’ve been struggling all day to write this letter to my mother. A letter a friend of mine suggested I write to get all these bottled up feelings out of me. But this letter refused it’s self to be written. Instead I kept thinking about how I should probably write one to my dad 1st. So here goes nothing or maybe everything.
As I start to write this letter I already have tears in my eyes. When I truly think about our relationship, I think about all the mistakes I’ve made with the men in my life. I think about how i never had that 1st relationship with the man who was supposed to me the one to teach me what unconditional love was. Dad do you ever remember saying ‘I love you’ to me? Because I’ve never heard you tell me those words. I know you traveled a lot for work and you provided everything for me, but I wish you could have spent a little bit of time getting to know me then and now. I see the relationship you have with my brothers and I sometimes wonder that if I was more successful or accomplished if I would also have a relationship like that with you. Dad when I was going through a lot when I was 15 and started eating my feelings just so that I could cope and survive, the 1st time you saw me after a couple of months do you remember what you said to me? You said ‘stop eating all this junk, your already fat’. I remember crying myself to sleep that night thinking how much of a failure I was. Mom always used to tell us to be on our best behavior when you were in town and I remember being so jealous of my friends who’s fathers used to yell at them or ground them because at least they cared. Dad I don’t really know who you are, I’ve never had a heart to heart with you. You’ve never given me advice on men or anything in my life. Intact when I was getting married, I didn’t even tell you, I told mom and she told you. Then when I was miserable and getting divorced a year later you never once said anything to me. It almost was like I didn’t exist. But when I see you giving my brothers advice on life and settling down and meeting someone nice to have a family with, I can’t help but think whats wrong with me. When we’re alone in the car you never speak to me unless I ask you something. I think about how I’ve dated men all my life who I’ve had to work for their affection and love and I realize all along that I’m dating my father every single time. I’m sorry I don’t measure up to your boys or that I’m not as successful as they are. But if you took the time to know me, you would see how much I love you in spite of everything. How I would look after you when you get old, how proud and thankful I am of all the hard work and sacrifices you’ve made to get our family here today. You would see how kind, funny and smart I actually am. Dad I forgive you. I forgive you for not knowing how to love and care for your daughter, for not being there when i was most broken and alone. Dad I needed you to protect me from all the heartache and hurt like a father is supposed to but you left me to take care of myself. I may never know your reasons or understands them. I just know I can’t continue to wait for your love or acceptance. I need to forgive you and move on with my life. No matter how old I am, you always manage to bring me back to that little girl who just wants her dads love. Dad I forgive you, I forgive you for my own healing. I need to be able to be with a man and not compare him to you. I need to know that love isn’t something you have to earn or work for. That love doesn’t have any condition or gender requirements. I pray that forgiving you releases me of my demons and that I’m no longer reminded of that lonely little girl.
Always your daughter.