My mother…..my critic.

  

I have been going back and forth on how to deal with my mother. I love my mother very much and respect her even more, but my mother is also the leading reason why I have this binge eating habit.
I woke up this morning with very good intentions of being aware of my eating habits today. So when my 1st two hours of the morning were off to a good start, I was actually starting to see today being ok. But I knew that was too good to be true, because by 11am my mother had called me and I was ready to reach for a doughnut to suppress the tears that we’re sure to come after her call. I don’t do public crying. I bottle up any emotions I have for when I can peacefully breakdown without anyone seeing and free of and judgement. So food has always helped me keep my composure long enough till I can let go in private. 
My mother just knows how to push me to my wits end. If you were hearing a conversation between us you may not see the problem, but with her it’s always an underlying judgement that pushes me to food. I don’t blame her solely for why I’m screwed up emotionally, my father carries a good portion of this blame too. It’s just that no matter how attentive and caring or I cater to her every need I will never be good enough for her.
So when this morning she once again reminded me that I had gained weight again…. I went back to that 14 year old girl who was told by her mother that I ‘should stop eating everything I see’. Her exact word this morning were ‘what’s the use of you losing all that weight if your just going to put it back on? You’ve become lazy again huh?’
I literally laughed it off because that’s the only way to move on from her fat shaming. If I speak up for myself, I’m disrespectful or rude. If I stay quite, I clearly can’t take a joke. I can’t win either way you slice this. I can’t not choose to not talk to her because then I’m the bad daughter and she didn’t bring me in this country so that I can be ungrateful or selfish.
When I vented to a friend after eating a candy bar (I needed sugar courage to even share my feelings) she suggested I write a letter to my mother and say everything I wasn’t able to say. I told her she was crazy, but she said I didn’t have to give it to my mother, I just had to write it for me. For my sanity and emotional well being, I needed to let her hear how much she’s hurt me and continues to do so. I’m a grown woman in my thirties and my mother still has this emotional hold on me. I guess this isn’t a bad idea, but I feel like I’m betraying her even by writing this letter
I don’t know if it will help, but I pray to God it stops me for reaching for a tub of ice cream tonight. I will post it here tomorrow. Maybe if I write it here, it will feel like I’ve said it to someone other than me. I need to let 15 plus years of emotional baggage go soon or I might start to believe all of her negative talk to be true. My mother will always be my 1st love, maybe because I know I could never be hers and a part of me wants to please her so she will Love me a little more. 
I know she loves me, but I’m not sure she likes me at all.

G.

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