laying in bed and remembering everything I ate today is just bumming me out. The crazy thing is I’m still hungry. I’ve probably consumed well over 3,000 calories and I still feel like I need more. It’s never more of food, because I realize when I’m physically full but my mind overrides it. I convince myself I need more. When in reality I’m just eating to feel something. To feel happy, comforted, wanted, loved and to be ok.
My day at work was normal. I ate a bagel for breakfast and a doughnut. Then 3 hours later I had a sub and a packet of chips for lunch. Then when I got off I swung by the Godiva store and purchased a 4 pack of white chocolate covered macaroons. I downed 2 on my way home with a Starbucks venti mango black tea lemonade.when I got home I ate one more along with a bag of sour patches.
An hour later and I was hungry again and as I waited to see if any of my friends texted me back or the guy I like, I had a white chocolate magnum ice cream bar. Then shortly followed by the last macaroon. By now it was 7 and dinner was penne Alfredo with grilled chicken. I ate a huge plate and downed it pretty quickly.
By now it’s 9pm and nobody has called or responded to my texts and I feel sad and lonely so I had one more magnum bar. After I stepped out of the shower it hits me for a minute how big my body looks. How in 1 year I regained back the 40 or so pounds I lost. How even though people in my life aren’t always there for me…..just for a little bit, the food keeps down the sadness and loneliness I feel.
I wish I could let these feelings out and not try to suppress them. I wish I could tell my friends how I want more of a. connection with them or I could tell this guy i like, I want something more. But I’m afraid. Afraid of being rejected or not wanted, afraid of how weak or needy I will look.
At the end of the night I always feel ashamed of how much I consumed. Of how if people knew how much I ate they would judge me.
I just have to try harder tomorrow and keep myself busy. I don’t want to be fat anymore, I don’t want to be alone. I’ve gotta do better so I have a chance at a happier life. One were I don’t eat every minute.