So since my breakup with my ex the beginning of this year. Actually we broke up last September and he reached out to me over New Years and we started to ‘date’ again. Actually it wasn’t dating so much as just seeing each other when he was free or bored which meant once every week. Yes I fell for that and no we didn’t really resolve the reason why we broke up to begin with.
Anyways, since that messed up relationship. I was convinced that I just wasn’t cut out to date guys from my culture. Clearly I was expecting more of them then I knew was possible. I’m not used to needing people.
My whole life I’ve had to learn how to be self sufficient emotionally as my parents were never adequate to deal with my needs (emotionally). So when my ex came into my life, he had smothered me with affection and love and was constantly telling me how much he adored me and loved me. At first it felt really good. It made me special and the world seemed three times better. I spent everyday with him, we texted and called each other every hour. But then he got busy with work and started to pull a way a little.
He would forgot to text me good morning and then my negative self talk stated to kick in. He’s not missing you, he’s had enough of you, you did something wrong. So what did i do? I did what I knew best. I withdraw and stopped texting him for a whole day or answering his calls just to see if he missed me. He would but eventually a few more times of me doing that and he just got used to me needing my space.
But after we split, what was obvious to me is that I couldn’t deal with a guy who emotionally overwhelmed me at first. At least that’s what I thought it was until I started talkin to this new guy. He was from a different country from me and we actually started talking 2 years back but he seemed arrogant at the time and I stopped talking to him.
Well he texted me out of the blue a few months back and I was open to the idea of really getting to know him better. Our initial first date was fun, we hit it off but more of a friendship vibe. I didn’t talk to him after date until two weeks later when he asked me out again. I said no and he presisted and so I gave in and went to bowling, which turned to dinner. I remember as I was leaving saying good bye and him pulling me in for a kiss. A kiss which let me with butterflies.
I was thoroughly confused that I was even feeling this way, I for sure thought it had something to do with craving being intimate and not him. Well after that date he didn’t call me again or text for a couple of days later. I really wanted to kiss him again but he was not asking me to hang out or calling me that much.
Then one night he invited me out to go dancing and I ended up leaving him at like 3am. I’m not gonna lie,but he made me feel like a care free girl who was just enjoying being kissed by a boy while she sweated it out to some good music.
Fastforward a couple more weeks and a few more makeout sessions and this guy is still not interested in something more. I mean I like him a lot and I have hinted that I want something more but he isn’t biteing.
Maybe I’m just reading him wrong, but when im kissing him and we’re together he seems really happy and into me. It’s just lately I have to to text him to get him going or strike up a random conversation so I get to see him. But I’m too old to be playing this game.
I just want to find a balance between the extreme men I have been dating. Is it too much to ask? And for this guy, I’ve gone back to telling myself to put up the walls. Nothing good will ever come from being more into the guy then he is into you. I just pray I’m strong enough to keep these walls up. Men like him have a way of making me lose my common sense and self worth. I don’t want to keep making these mistakes, but the other option is to become a nun and I’m not really sure if I can handle that too.
I guess until love finds me, I’ve gotta look after my feelings and heart.