I know I haven’t posted in quite sometime, but I’ve been on a self discovery face to figure out why I am the way I am. Lately I have been feeling like I’m on emotional roaler coaster and nobody in my family seems to make it any better.
Lithe other night it hit me like a brick to the head. I don’t like to acknowledge this because I feel like I’m betraying my parents and I do have a lot to be thankful to them. But they fucked us up and set us up for failure emotionally. I’m one of seven sibling and this weekend was a great example of my perfect Somali parents.
I’m not close to my brothers, mainly because they chose to leave my sisters and I out of any socializing they do together. My brothers have each other as buddies and on top of that they have my parents who root for them every step of the way. I sound like an annoyed little girl but when your mom calls your brother several times a day to check if he’s coming tonight or they talk to them about meeting a nice girl and in courage them about settling down or in general just worry about them all the time it feels like I’m back in the 1950’s and I’m a second class citizen. They treat us like little girls even though we are grown women. The only time my dad inquires about me is when he’s telling me to pay for something or asking about the what’s for dinner. How am I supposed to break this cycle of dating horrible men when all I’m seeking is a guy to love me unconditionally the way my father should have. I didn’t have enough love and this is why I’m so fucked. I’m in my thirties and my father has never once told me he is proud or that he loves me. He never once called me up out of the blue or inquired wether I was coming for dinner or not. The ease he has with my brothers and how he’s always bragging about them or in general asking my mother if she’s talked to them makes me sad. I didn’t think I had daddy issues but I do.
Last night I went out with a guy I have no feelings for because I was lonely and sometimes just having someone want you even for the wrong reasons dulls the pain so it doesn’t hurt as much at night. Then this new guy I’m talking to never texted me back and even though he’s ok in general the fact of not being wanted stirred me wrong today. I want to rearrange my world so I live in one that doesn’t depend my happiness on how much a guy wants me.
My body image doesn’t help and I’m just forcing myself to get fatter by the day. Anytime I feel emotionally neglected or my parents once again show me my feelings are not worthy I eat. I eat until I have pushed down the negative self hate that wants to come up. It hurts to look back at my life and see all the wrong turns I took and that I did it intentionally.
Today as I was driving I thought about the little girl I was. The seven year old me who was innocent and carefree. Skinny, happy and free. I haven’t been that girl for 21 years I’ve been locked in this life of trying to change myself to fit this image of the perfect lovable girl in my head. I’m admitting I’m depressed and I’m just over being lonely and wanting affection were there isn’t any to get. I want to hit the back button and readjust those wrong turns. I want to give myself a chance at happiness and survival. It’s hard to love myself unconditionally when nobody else is able to do that either. I’m so insecure and scared of not being wanted or loved. I fall so hard and so fast for all the wrong people and then I wander why it hurts when I fuck it up and they no longer want me. Maybe if I had been shown the wright love when I was that innocent seven year old girl, I would have been ok today.
I don’t know what it feels like for someone to see me and love and care for me without judgement or a need to change me. I’ve lost a lot of things and lately I feel like I’m just moving everyday a little bit just so I don’t show my cards and I put on that happy face and smile because I’m a people pleaser. I want people to like me and if they were to see my pain and how fragile I was inside, they wouldn’t be around me as much. Or atleast that’s what I have been shown.
This past almost year I have read every book I could find on how to inspire change and happiness and become a better person. A person people could learn to love. I’m forever on a diet and I buy far too much makeup so at least people will see I’m pretty and who doesn’t like a pretty girl. The worst part is that I’m so afraid of telling my family how much they have hurt me and continue to hurt me. I’m afraid of telling anyone that. I’m afraid they will think I’m crazy and in this family once anyone thinks that you are crazy, they will forever question your mental stability. I don’t have real true friends. The one girl I’m closest to is financially in a shit whole and I feel like I’ve always gotta treat her and buy her friendship and sometimes it feels good to be needed.
I do believe in God, I believe that I have a path in life. I wasn’t always a religious person because of the way my religion was used against me. But I’ve always prayed to God no matter what. It’s just lately I’ve forgotten how to reach for Him. How to lean to him when I’m sad and at my loneliest. I can’t seem to find my footing in this world yet and it’s so frustrating. I’m displeased by everything. My weight, my single life, my job and my family and friends. I struggle with money and I spend far too much on shit I don’t need when I’m running emotionally empty. Im trying to buy my way to some happiness and often it gives me no joy, just worry over how much I have spent. I think if God was able to hear me or see me he would see how much I need him. How desperate I am to feel loved and wanted and accepted. When I’m running low on the emotional train l, I reach out to people who can try and fill that sand often, their the wrong people.
I just know it helps to write away and atleast not have it all bottled up. My therapist helps a lot in making me realize my family dynamics isn’t healthy. But in a community were your parents are the golden children and pillars of society. How do tell them they emotionally neglected you? That the love scale between the girls and boys in our family is uneven?
I’ll let you know when I find the courage and strength to utter such words to them. Until then I will to continue to say I am enough!