I have been looking for you all my life. Some days I thought I found you and other days I kept running through the streets looking for you. I looked for you in my mothers eyes and in my fathers touch. When I read of you in books, I made sure to keep you a live in my dreams till I would be lucky enough to meet you. I saw you in all the happy couples around me. I slept every night praying just to find a little bit of you in every guy I met. I kept hope of you a live even in my darkest of days.
But today I realized I would never get to see you or be around you. Today’s when he told me he was getting married, you turned your back on me. Like that time I asked and prayed to have him back. You chose to visit someone else and not me. You chose to give me a false sense of security. Society says that everyone will experience you. They just don’t mention those who are not fortunate enough to have you.
So today I will no longer long or want or need you. Today you and hope are no longer welcome in this life of mine. I will be contempt. I will never search for you or pray Day in and day out just to have you near. Love, you have betrayed and abandoned me. You gave me false hope and for that I hate you. You have taken joy away but in time I will learn to live without you. It will be hard but no harder than all those years you broke those promises.
So I guess all that is left is to close my heart and never let you in. For if I do, I will be sure to regret every moment of it.
Most people have no clue of what I’ve gone through. I’ve kept a pretty good streak of only showing the pretty aspects of my life. Because, who wants to carry someone else’s burden or hurt?! Too often I find myself asking ‘does anyone really know me’ and the answer to that is a deafening no.
In my culture and in my world, one does not simply talk about abuse. If your unfortunate to experience it then your better off taking it to your grave. But sometimes the constant punishment over something you did not agree to or even want can be similar to living in your own personal hell. Seeking affection in all the wrong places, in that tub off ice cream or that creep of a guy who uses you only because he can see the brokenness that is you.
Some days I’m more alive and I can see through my pain and I can talk myself onto seeing the good that I am. Other days I can only ask….’why me’. Those days are a few and far between. I don’t let self pitty out to roam too often. I have learned I’m my only savior and I don’t have time to fall apart.
Today I woke up and I realized that I’m beginning to love myself……to love myself enough to know I deserve far better than the life I’ve been living. The people that often fall into the cracks are those who have the deepest cuts. I don’t know when I lost myself, but I can’t go on to dwell on that girl lost. I can only save the woman that I am today. My past is exactly that.
Today I will love myself a little more because it makes me stronger. Today I will not accept the fake affection of a man who only seeks one thing out of me. Today I will see my worth for all that it is. Today I’m going to beging to actually breath.
Why he thought being honest meant belittling me. Why he felt like it was okay to say ‘can I be honest with you?…….I didn’t know you were a big girl……I mean your pictures are really beautiful…. but I didn’t know you were that big’ how can someone make me feel so small and embarrassed to even exist. How can words hurt me and bring me to a low point just by being spoken. I’m strong but sometimes I just for once want to feel loved and cared about irregardless of my size. I just want someone to belong to. Is that too much to ask?!
Gosh this feeling sucks.
I am constantly trying to forgive myself and others so that I can live a life free of resentment and hate. But that is easier said then done. I can forgive others easily and maybe, the forgetting part is harder to do. I give so much energy to the memory that I often feel like I am back to were I started. Forgiving myself I’ve found, is often harder. I have read a book lately that has given me a stepping stone on how to forgive myself and how to not let others have such an impact on me. It gave me true insight on how to not feel powerless around my self or anyone else.
The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz was an eye opener. When he talked about ‘being impeccable with your word’ it spoke straight to my core. How could I have ever moved on from hurt and anger when my words constantly sounded like……why me? I’m so fat, nobody loves me, poor me, look at me and how unfulfilled I am. Those words I used to use to write my daily story manifested themselves onto my reality and I what couldn’t figure out was, that even though I was trying hard to change myself there was no change happening. It wasn’t until I started paying close attention to my words, that unnoticed how I can shift my words into a tool of progression. I now make a daily vow to be impeccable with my word.
The second agreement is ‘Don’t take anything personal’. I am the queen of beiliving that others do things and say things to me because of the way I am or what they see. If I even just changed that narrative in my head and believed that others actions is a reflection of their reality and not in anyway form or shape because of me. Then I’ve learned I’m more at peace with my inner core and the reality I’m in. I’m less judgement of myself and others and I’m aware at how easily I can move on when I don’t take it personally.
The third agreement is ‘Don’t make assumptions’. This was another biggie for me. I often think that asking questions and clarifications makes me seem somewhat weaker. But often the assumptions I make take a life of their own and go out of control. I need to find the courage to ask for clarification or further questions withtout feeling weak. Communication is key to this one, and even though at times I felt like I couldn’t communicate without putting my feelings into it. I am now at a place where I find being courages a beautiful thing and a rather good feeling. Practicingn this one on a daily basis is the only way I know how to get myself out of feeling any less than what I am.
The last agreement Don talks about is ‘always do your best.’ I have always had a hard time being less critical of myself even when I knew I was doing my best. Now if I know that I’ve given something my best…..I stop at that. I don’t look for holes in my reasoning as to why I think I did my best. I give myself a way out of self-judgement and self-abuse. Knowing I’ve given something ‘my best’ is something I have to work on constantly, but I’m done with second guessing if that was my best.
The final thing I’ve learned so far in life is, when you change the voice within from self criticism and self abuse and fill all those gaps with self love. Then I’m more at peace. I choose to love others inspite of what they say or do. Giving others powers that don’t belong is no longer my story. I will love you even when I don’t think you deserve it, because that’s the only way I can change my narrative.
It’s been a while since I posted on here. I have been trying to find myself and live in the moment. Trying to self heal and love within, is a long and unfinished journey, but everyday I get a little better at it. Everyday, I find the smallest of happiness in me and not in food or others. I’m one of those people who get inspired and moved by reality and fiction. I was watching a movie in bed this morning…..and one of the main charachters was talking about how they have yet to find someone who truly just loved them. To experience love that was unconditional, innocent and pure that it didn’t matter if you were awake or sleep that you could just feel it around you and in you. Love so pure that it cushioned you and protected you from all other unwanted feelings. I realize that yes as wonderful and difficult my parents have been. I have never once experienced this. I have on the other hand experienced a love based on condition, on temporary gains and all other superficial stuff. Being 32 and I don’t think I’ve loved or loved like that. But I’m still standing and today is a new day. Today could be that day…..this is how all my days lately have been starting of. I wake up excited by the endless possibilities this wonderful day can bring to me. I no longer choose to think about tomorrow or the day before instead…..I pretend that I don’t get a fast forward or rewind button. I wake up just in life mode. The moment right here right now and you know what……this isn’t all that bad. This is so simple and happy and today love is happening and bubbling all over.
I agree that sometimes I get caught up in what I don’t have and who I’m not with. I know life isn’t exactly perfect but I forget that I already have a great life. I’m just too busy focusing on things that I let weight me down. My weight is temporary, it’s a reflection of how my current mood has been. With every perceived rejection I have been padding myself with food. I have allowed to let myself feel like I am not worthy.
But then this morning, after talking myself into yet another disappointment about my current relationship and body status, I realized that I don’t have to feel this way. What if I could just choose to be happy and see the positive in this amazing life that I have, instead of nit picking my flaws and short comings. What if I don’t waste time thinking of all that could go wrong and what I don’t have. I started to then make a list of the great things I have going for me now and I started to slowly feel a lot better.
I am human, I’m bound to have slip ups where self-pity will be the only thing that can keep me company. But I’m also resilient and very resourceful. I know what makes me happy and what a good mantra can do to improve my outlook on life. I’m not going to let another day go by without seeing my blessings. The way I feel this morning, I have not felt in a long time. It’s exhausting being down and seeing what I don’t have. I just need to tap in to what brings me great joy and living my fantasy life. I can be the best and better version of myself……I just needed to snap out of this funk and see the light and love in my life.
I woke up this morning and noticed my car was leaking oil all over my drive way and then my check engine light came on. This is the last thing I needed this week. I guess The universe is handing out curve balls. Here is life testing me once again.
This happened after last night I realized I needed to go back to my therapist. I needed to get this Demond from controlling my life. Just thinking about them has me crying. I can’t continue to keep hiding from them or letting them control me.
I’m not one to question why things happen as I truly do believe every thing happened for a reason. But what reason could there possibly be to let a child get hurt. I don’t understand it and I always use food to shutdown this feelings and thoughts and questions. But I refuse to do that today, so instead I sit here crying for the childhood I lost and the last 20 years I spent eating my feelings away.
We shal see how the rest of the day pans out after this episode. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to reach out to a friend or a family member, but these baby steps is all I can manage right now. The fact that I didn’t go out and by a Coke and bag full of sugary crap is a blessing on its own.