I was on the highway about 30 minuets ago when all of a sudden a fit of sadness exhumed me. I started to sob uncontrollably. Big fat heaping sobs all while driving at 75mph and unable to catch my breath or see clearly because my vision is blurred. The sounds coming from me are heartbreaking and shaking me to my core. My thoughts are rushing in all at one…..’your alone’ ‘no body cares’ ‘you could just top the pain right now’ ‘just let go’ ‘your nobody’s choice’ ‘your fat’ ‘your weak’ all these unbelievably mean thoughts keep jabbing me and I’m still sobbing, rocking in my seat and driving. I get this tiny thought at some point and I start repeating it because all I can think to do is hold on and let this wash over me. So I start yelling to myself in the car, in the shakiest voice, that I don’t even recognize…..’I WAN TO LIVE, I’M SORRY’. It seems to take a lifetime but I don’t stop repeating those words. In what seems like hours, I start to calm down and breathe. I get off the exit and I’m sitting here thinking how close I came. How I’ve never felt that much sadness and worthlessness all at once. I’m shocked, but more so grateful for that tiny voice.
I’m not sure where to go now…….
I woke up this morning fully able to see myself in a different light. I am still fighting the little voice that tries to make me drag my baggage from last nights fight with my mother. But thank goodness I have been meditating and practicing self forgiveness. I kept being thankful and grateful for every little thing about my day yesterday and that in it's self helps me release.
What I learned recently that has helped me a lot is…….I was created by a being bigger and wiser than the humans who judge me. I wasn't created for shits and giggles or to be unworthy. I was created because I have a purpose. I may not fully know what my purpose is but I know for sure I wasn't created by mistake. So who am I to let anyone else dictate my purpose. I am worthy of this life because I was chosen to have it. I have to choices…..to live through fear or to live through faith that all will work out as it should in my favor.
I can only run in the race that was created for me. Nobody can run in my race as I can't do in theirs.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am love. I am abundance. I am prosperity. I am beautiful. I am kind. I am healthy. I am free. I am wise. I am loved. I am a miracle. I am a creative being.
Once again I got sucked in. I got sucked in letting my master manipulator mother drag me in and spit me out. How am I now only seeing the cause of most of my issues is such a surprise. I cried and all the while I kept thinking to myself 'your letting her win' but it isn't about letting her win. It's about breaking this abusive pattern and hold she has over me.
Is it possible to love your mother yet at the same time not like the person or the characters she displays. In my culture I'm not allowed to think of my mother this way. I'm supposed to say yes and ask how high when she says jump. I'm never to question her reasoning, I am just to follow her blindly into the dark and pray that I survive. I can't and won't live like this. This abuse has gone on for far too long.
I am fat and self medicate with food because I was never allowed to have an opinion in my life. I have turned into an angry explosive person when I allow myself to stand my ground and I hate that she does this to me. I hate that she brings out the worst of me, because even I can't stand myself when I get to that point. I'd have been emotionally and physically used multiple times in my life. I am now at 33 seeing that it's not ok. I am worthy and it's not ok, for even my own mother to use guilt and manipulation as a way to control me. I refuse to let this stand,
I can't believe I thought of suicide at one point when all I ever needed to do was find the root cause of my issues. It starts with her. It always began with her. If I ever had an inclination that she wouldn't blame me for being abused I might have confided in her. But I knew she would see me as an embarrassing daughter who lies to get attention. That might have been my tipping points, but now I see my worth after this crazy fight. I see what I am worth and what she does will never break me again. I see my anger as a child crying for help. I need to care for myself before I can care about her. I need to love myself back to being whole.
I am not my mothers daughter. I am stronger and will see my light behind her shadow. I will come out whole.
When I was younger I always wanted to fit in. I never wanted to be different or stand out in the crowd. I always played it safe and tried my hardest to just blend in. But I was different. I had an opinion about everything. I always wanted to know why and how. But that wasn't allowed in my culture. In my culture, girls were modest and covered their heads. They didn't jump from monkey bars or play football with the boys. Girls didn't eat from big plates or sit with their legs open. In my culture, girls were seen but not heard. But I knew I was different because I wanted nothing more than to be heard. So I did what I learned was best. I ate and ate and ate till my opinions were shoved way down inside. I smothered my words and feelings with chocolate and cake and candy and anything that I could eat quick and fast.
So it makes a lot of sense now that I am 33 years old and still fantasizing about that book I've dreamt of writing. I question who will read it? What my family will think? How will I be perceived? All the while never even begging the first sentence. But tonight, thanks to that awesome Netflix mini movie 'The Incredible Jessica James'. That I realized……how amazing my thoughts and words and feelings are. How I just have a way with words when I talk. I am amazing and talented and quirky and lovable and weird. So what! I am me. I am my story and my words. Nobody can dictate that…..so why do I let them. Here is to me letting my words out from my internal prison. May they never stop flowing. May I always lead with my words and thoughts and never with what others want to hear.
I am so used to wearing so many masks and trying to conform to others expectations that I haven't truly met the real me. I don't know when I started pleasing others and playing this game. All I know is, it has made me miserable. You never win when your trying to please others because no matter what you do or say, someone will always find an issue.
It's a wake up call to be aware of the masks I put on daily. If I take each one off, I'm left with a girl who doesn't really know her self. I've had these limiting beliefs about myself for all of my life, that I never got to truly develop me. My likes and dislikes where in line with others beliefs. I acted a certain way or dressed a certain way because that's what I was taught.
So now the process starts. Now I'm stripping myself raw and only stopping at my happy place. I want to know who I am? I want to know my purpose in life? And why I do the things I do. I want to know what makes me explode from joy and what drives these limiting fears. I will lean into the uncomfortable feelings because that's where I will find my route to joy.
So I say this to myself…….try me! Give yourself a chance and see what happiness is to you.
Have you ever tried so hard to be a happy positive person and failed? That’s what I feel like tonight. I feel like for a solid month and a half, I have read every self help book and still have not succeed. I just want to not feel worthless for once. I wanted others to see how happy I am and they would want to be around me and with me. But that’s not what’s happened. Choosing to be happy is so much harder. But I failed at it……
Or so I thought. I had a moment this evening when I felt so low and worthless that I contemplated what it would feel like to no longer feel…..I’ve never thought about that, but tonight I lay on my bed and my thoughts drifted to images of me being weak and worthless. But then something happened. A stronger more reassuring feeling came over me and all I heard was……
“I love you and I will protect you. Go change into something comfy and let me take care of you. I promise to not let you go”
I’m balling just writing that. Happiness is not something you pass or fail at. True happiness for me is when my thoughts take me to dark places, my inner voice is strong enough to kick down the door and pour love and light on the darkness. Happiness is not needing anyone or anything to make me feel worthy or loved from the outside. Happiness isn’t something you earn but something you should have.
I’m forever and grateful for that inner voice that is my light and love.
I have been looking for you all my life. Some days I thought I found you and other days I kept running through the streets looking for you. I looked for you in my mothers eyes and in my fathers touch. When I read of you in books, I made sure to keep you a live in my dreams till I would be lucky enough to meet you. I saw you in all the happy couples around me. I slept every night praying just to find a little bit of you in every guy I met. I kept hope of you a live even in my darkest of days.
But today I realized I would never get to see you or be around you. Today’s when he told me he was getting married, you turned your back on me. Like that time I asked and prayed to have him back. You chose to visit someone else and not me. You chose to give me a false sense of security. Society says that everyone will experience you. They just don’t mention those who are not fortunate enough to have you.
So today I will no longer long or want or need you. Today you and hope are no longer welcome in this life of mine. I will be contempt. I will never search for you or pray Day in and day out just to have you near. Love, you have betrayed and abandoned me. You gave me false hope and for that I hate you. You have taken joy away but in time I will learn to live without you. It will be hard but no harder than all those years you broke those promises.
So I guess all that is left is to close my heart and never let you in. For if I do, I will be sure to regret every moment of it.