Yesterday was hard. I woke up this morning and I smiled a little for pulling through. Then I heard about Anthony Bourdain and here I am again thinking what was his why?
Is the unknown easier to face then tomorrow?
Fear has me bed ridden today and feeling alone and ashamed of my thoughts stop me from reaching out. I have a lot of people who would claim me but none who can sit with me right now.
When did I get here? I’m not sure how I got here. I’m just pushing through for him. He deserves his mother to show up at any cost.
I can’t seem to stop thinking about Kate spade taking her life today. Not long after the news broke everyone in my office started talking about it, and that’s when I started to pay attention to what people where saying. Things like oh how sad, and oh her poor daughter and you see….money doesn’t buy happiness.
But i felt it different. I wanted to know what though she last had. How hard it was to leave her 13 year old behind. How sometimes it seems like there is no end to the suffering feeling or sadness. I have had what if moments but then I thankfully realized I can’t do this to him. My son deserves a life where he doesn’t question why I gave up. So instead I promised myself that I would fight another to be here for him and for every other parent who didn’t have the fight left in them to push through.
I don’t know if her loved ones knew. But I know that nobody in my life has a clue on how I cope moment to moment.
I just do it for him. My boy, my beautiful boy is my reason for living. For now that’s more than enough.
This afternoon as I’m laying around in bed reading Roxane Gay’s book ‘Hunger’, I can’t believe this isn’t my book. I have a life long battle with obesity and self worth and the image I see when I look in the mirror. Every second is spent thinking about food and how I can cut food out and be thin. I often wonder what a life outside of my body obsessed mind would look like.
I can’t help it. My body is the 1st thing people see. Then the second is my face and oh how much prettier I would be if I was slimmer. I spent a small fortune on make up for the past decade making sure my face made up for the body it so sadly was attached to. I wake up every morning thinking today is the day, today I will starve and sweat my body on its way to a perfect size six. Then and only then will I feel worthy and acceptable to society. I hate that this is how I think. I am a smart, kind and complex woman who isn’t so easily fooled by society’s small minded images of the ideal woman. But yet here I am convincing myself that all my dreams would just fall into place if only I was a size six.
I’ve wasted years of my life thinking this. I’ve suffered because of these thoughts and I’m tired of this hamster wheel of over eating and neglecting my self pleasures and then belittling myself into unworthiness so that I may realize the hard work I need to do. As millions of people are forced into starvation, I sickly prayed for my hunger to disappear. It isn’t enough that I’m aware at the measures and pills and surgeries I’ve considered but i still pray for that magical size six.
So when I read Roxanne’s book and saw how she struggles with the same things I realized how maddening this all is. What if I just was happy with this body. After all it has carried a human and has kept me pretty healthy for all the abuse I put through it. Shouldn’t I at least be thankful for where it has got me. I am healthy and I know a lot of people who would have my fat body in place of their sick one. So why can’t I stop?
Because I don’t love myself. Not yet and not fully. I’ve wasted years of trying to get others to love me like I needed to love myself. Years where I wanted others to do the job only I can. I desperately need to love every roll and inch of me.
Have I told you how I pull myself up from the lowest moments of self loathing and hate……I sit in a quite room and write questions about my feelings and then I answer the truthfully. When it’s all said and done I feel a lot better. It’s work changing my train of thought, but this is the best and most rewarding work I have done so far. So here is what happened the other day……
Tell me what happened?
I blew up and said some nasty things to my sister and all because I was resentful. I told her that I’m only here because of our parents and once they go I will never see her or my other siblings again.
Why did you say that?
Because as stupid as it sounds I wanted to tell her to stop being fake and be responsible for her shit. She’s 40 and she walks around like she’s in her 20s and has no real responsibility or to take ownership. Also, because I was resentful at my brothers.
Why were you resentful of your brothers?
My oldest brother goes out of his way to build a relationship with my other brothers. It’s as if he says they are successful and he can associate with them while me and my sisters are the ones he should limit himself from. This includes my mother. He has these boys weekend and he invites all of my brothers and my brothers friends and he text and keeps them up with his life and I just see him as looking at as and saying your not good enough. You are beneath me. I’m done.
Are you beneath him?
No I’m not beneath him. I’m so great at what I do at our job and I feel like I am less than sometimes when I hear how successful they are. In our house they get treated like royalty and i get looked down on because I’m still at home, a single mom dependent on my parents because I’m broke and stupid. I got married young and i didn’t study and I ended up divorced and I’m fat. That’s what they see, but they don’t see the good and strength I am. They don’t see how my heart bends for those I love. They don’t see how proud I am of them and I tell everyone my brothers are amazing. What they don’t see is how much I over come, how my smile hides a thousand fears and heartaches. They don’t see any of it. They just see their facts.
You can’t expect people to treat you well if you refuse to do that first. It happened! Why do you continue to carry this crap around. They are gone but yet here you are hoarding bags and bags of shit they did to you. Drop the dead weight. He didn’t love you enough….so what! Does this mean you stop loving you? Hell no. He didn’t pick you…….and so you think that gives you the right to not hold your head high. The worst pain can happen to you, the only difference between surviving and death is wether you choose to wear the damage on your skin or burry it deep in your soul so it doesn’t hurt when someone else touches you. The best form of revenge my love is to live and push through the sorrow and anger and find joy. I love you, I will never stop loving you. Fight for us and believe in the power of your love. Believe that no matter how many times you fall, I will always pick you up. Find away. For in this dark moments you are being molded from the rough stone into a diamond. Find a way.
So it happened. I turned 34 and as the day of my birth came and went, I realized how insignificant this has all been. I expected more from the universe, from God and I got nothing. So instead, the binges came and went and kept coming and never going.
I sit here trying to figure out where this mass of flesh, these never ending rolls come from. The disconnect between my mouth and brain is evident only when I’m on the verge of throwing up yet still feeling hungry. This time it was nothing knew, this time the same people are what lead me to suffocate my feelings under mountains of candy bars and chips and ice cream.
What I really want to know is……how can you do this to yourself? You know how this hurts you but you still chose to get into your car and drive to Cvs to stock up on your binge worthy food. Remember how embarrassed you were chucking out? But none of this matters. You can chose to stop. You can stop caring about what others say or do or think. You just have to silence those thoughts.
This all starts with you! You are in control. You can close your mouth and sit and feel these ugly feelings then let them go. The more you hide them, the more obvious and loud they get. I just want to no longer feel the worst of it. I want to cope and heal.
I can continue to hate myself and my body. I’m tired of this…….I want to grow up and find self love. I want to be ok. I want to know there is more to this then constantly comparing my self worth to my waist size. Till then i just have to limit the binges. Till then I just need to survive.
I read a quote once by Marianne Williamson and it has stuck with me anytime I doubt or second guess myself. The quotes is:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”
I married young because back then the only way I could leave my parents house was to go into my husbands. I met a man who was seven years my senior, he was quite and dependable. Before him I had only knew men who lied and threw around ‘ I love you’ as a away to trick me and use me. Well no surprise that my marriage ended. The only way it survived 2 years was because of my son.
I feared being alone and single again. We started having troubles within the 1st month of our marriage. I came in thinking That i was finally free to do as I please and but he thought he could control me now. He begged for a child, I still felt like a child. I was 23 years old at the time and I had so many dreams and hopes. I gave in and agreed to stop my birth control.
Little did I know that the 2 days I had stopped that I would get pregnant. The saying goes ‘you have your plan and God has his’. The fear took over once again. I didn’t want this child. I thought that if I prayed hard and asked God to solve all my problems that he would get me out of being tied to this man forever. But again I was wrong. I had an amazing baby boy. Even though throughout my 9 months I was miserable and hateful and resentful of this pregnancy, but it was like a light switched on when I first held my son. I knew then that maybe I don’t know what I want or need.
However, soon we would learn that our son couldn’t make us happier together. I felt real love for the 1st time in my life, so there was no more faking it for him. We separated when my son was five months and then divorced when he was 9 months. Between that time I felt that old friend fear again and I though that perhaps I could sacrifice my happiness for my sons.isn’t that what a mother is supposed to do. But as luck would have it I came to my senses when my ex-husband gave me a list to abide by for a happy union. I knew any man who can think a list would put me in line was clearly not a man i could see eye to eye.
Since then my ex husband has gotten married and divorced and as of recently married again. But here I am still trying to figure out what kind of person would I allow to enter my son and I’s inner circle. 10 years later I’ve dated but they have all been too superficial and nothing to write home about. As I write this blog though, I know what is holding me back. That ugly friend fear. Fear of committing to someone who could hurt us again. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of change and lastly fear of my son not liking the new guy I bring to our life’s.
But again, as I get another year older I’m starting to listen to fear less and less. As Marianna said…..I’m more afraid of finding an amazing person than I am of being alone. Don’t waste today thinking of what if? Maybe? Or even worse how? Go in thinking that it will be ok. Trust your instinct and know the difference between the fear and your inner voice. It’s taken me 34 years to know when I’m coming from a place of fear or a place of love. I can say confidently now I am able to stop that though and choose a different one. But all of this is practice. If you want the life you dream of it takes work, and no work is more worthy than the one you do for yourself.